the dysfunctional family

The dysfunctional family structure has elements of roles that children will take on and carry into adulthood.  I am one of the ones that believes there is nothing that two parents can do to have a perfect home.  How can two imperfect people create a perfect family?  It's impossible.  With that said there are ways to try to figure out why we act the way we do and why family members act the way they do... even later on in life.

One of the roles taken is called the "Hero Child."  I know it sounds prestigious and worthy of praise, but in fact it's a prison.

Here is the kind of bargaining that is done within the mind. Everything will be OK if I just:

...be good at everything in school
...make straight A's
...make first chair in band
...keep my room clean
...literally "perform" for visitors to our home
...be the responsible one with the kids on the block
...keep my little brother "in line."

   But even if you follow all of these "rules," you as the hero child are doomed to perpetual disappointment.

...no matter how high the levels of achievement, it is never quite "good enough."  After years of struggling to be the good child, the other members of the family take your good performance for granted.
... Parents reward the "bad" scapegoat kid with their attention.
...little brothers and sisters still misbehave.

...other kids isolate the hero child with ridicule, labeling him the "goody two shoes"

And worse, over time the other siblings can even become to resent someone who is only doing the steps within the role that fell into their lap.  The role for survival or for affection, etc...

The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an over-achiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured it is doing well, as it can always look to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain well-paying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family's pain. The Hero's compulsive drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The Hero's qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others outside the family to remark upon the child's good character, and obtains him or her much positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of spirituality.

The Scapegoat, who is often the second born, characteristically acts out in anger and defiance, often behaving in delinquent ways, but inwardly he or she feels hurt in that the family's attention has gone to the Dependent or the Hero, and he or she has been ignored. The Scapegoat's poor performance in school, experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sexuality, flaunting of the conventions of society, or involvement in adolescent gangs or criminal activity may lead him or her to be labeled the family's problem, drawing attention away from the Dependent's addiction. This behavior can also be seen as a cry for help, and it is often the delinquency of the Scapegoat that leads the entire family into treatment. The acting out behavior of the Scapegoat may bring with it substance abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, early pregnancy for which he or she is not prepared, or incarceration. The hostile and irresponsible attitude of the Scapegoat may lead him or her into accidents, or acts of violence against others or self. The attitude of defiance may lead him or her to do poorly in school, effecting future employment and the opportunity to earn an adequate income. The Scapegoat's cleverness and manipulation may be used to engage in leadership of peer groups, or in the invention of schemes of dubious legality, or outright criminality, to earn a livelihood. Though the Scapegoat may develop social skills within his or her circle of peers, the relationships he or she experiences tend to be shallow and inauthentic. The Scapegoat, cast in the role of a rebel, may have lost touch with his spiritual potentials and morality, as well.

Understanding how the Scapegoat would resent the Hero Child and vice versa makes perfect sense.