When I look back in time it's always obvious that with my brother there is always an element of anger and bitterness in regards to his definition of himself in our family. My part in it is that after his anger toward me in 2002, I never mentally recovered. I would see him or think about him and cringe. I couldn't stand the sound of his voice knowing what he had done to me. I kept trying to figure out what forgiveness was. I still struggle with what it is. I would think of the past and all of the things that he had done to me. He treated me just as the way he wanted. How could he ever say that he loved me as a sister?
Why is it that my brother is not speaking to me or even interested in his nephew NOW? The reason I'm told through the family grapevine is that I sent an email to his ex-wife about the birth of our son and that the email forwarded its way to my brother.
His ex-wife was one of my college roommates before they ever dated. And due to an email he sent me in February that was more "stirring the pot" in regards to what he perceives as his life in our family as a child and the allegations he made, I took a step back from him when Lucas came. Anyone with pregnancy hormones and the arrival of their first child knows how remarkable and life changing it is! I didn't have time for the emotions that had unfolded from him in February in regards to what he was now accusing our parents of... a new drama unfolding... something I had never heard him accuse them of. I didn't like what he was saying. In hindsight the accusations should have gone straight back to him and asked to forward to whom they were made. I had no role in it except to say that perhaps he was looking for anything to sever ties with me. He succeeded.
Over the last 9 months though I have had time to mourn the loss of him in my life. Jeff and I sent him a gift for Christmas that he emailed our mother he never received. It's sad to think I should have paid extra to have it tracked. Should sibling relationships be so flawed and hard? I know that he is happy having no contact and all I want for him is to be happy.
I never would have thought in our thirties our relationship with be even more fractured though his actions in the recent past pushed it that way. My actions in return didn't help at all either. There is two sides to every story.
I ask God almost everyday to make things better with him. It's hard when it seems like God hasn't done anything to help reconciliate. I truly do wish the best for Bill and Megan. I truly do.
In the meantime, I need to be focusing on the ones in my life that I do have around. Lucas has a wonderful Aunt Missy, cousin Paige, and three grandparents that love him. I'm glad Larry has found his way back distantly just for the sake of the newest member of our family. It's been amazing.
I know the day my brother looks into the eyes of his newborn, he will understand what I'm feeling. It is a time for letting go of bitterness and anger and starting again. Realizing your parents did all for you that they could with what they have. If you feel they don't accept you, that's their loss, but don't remove yourself from the ones that would do anything for you. Talk about your feelings. Love on your brothers and sisters. At the end of life it won't matter how much you have but who is around you loving you.
I do need help with letting go of him. It's hard for me to live day to day knowing he's not in my son's life. I can't believe he doesn't care. But, there are ton of other Butler folks that do!
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