one month letter

It is April 8th, and I cannot stand the emotional rollercoaster that I am on. I cannot stand that I don’t have you in the hospital room wih me but instead in the NICU. The sounds of babies in the hallway, the flurry of activity around the nursery down the hall, and the people visiting makes me sad. I'm sure my hormones are in full force right now. My “baby” for now is a laptop computer already filled with over 50 photos of you. You are on the 7th floor with a lot of other sicker babies. You look like the biggest one in the room! You have a cute little clear bassinett with a handmade Lucas sign over your bed. You have a cpap over your face with soapy bubbles around (surfactant). I don't know why you decided to appear a month early, but here you are!

There's a little baby across from you named Daxton who arrived at 20-something weeks. We are really blessed that you are healthy though just need a little help the first week or two.

I found out your oxygen saturation (O2 sats) were about 88% when taken to the NICU right after birth. They utilized your umbilical area for an umbilical arterial catheter for IV access. It’s more comfortable for the baby (no pain to stick with a needle) but it also rules out the ability for me to hold your for several days. I don’t know which is worse, being stuck peripherally for a baby or him not being held. The jury is still out… for me… it hurts.

I want you well. I need to know how long you'll be in the hospital.

You are four weeks old! It has been quite an adjusment for mommy and daddy. I get very little sleep, but it's nice being off work. I am pretty adament about nursing so that you get the "best" being that you were in the NICU and had trouble in the beginning of life. We brought you home on April 15th, tax day! Welcome home our little tax deduction!

You are so little and so cute. Your coloring is beautiful though a little yellow as you are jaundiced. You are getting no formula at this point. Mommy pumps 8-10 times a day. I wonder if you hear that pumping sound and recognize it by now?

You make a lot of neat noises. It’s funny when you have a blow out. You are a sleepy eater and always fall asleep. I have to make you eat right now. Part of me thinks maybe I shouldn’t force you, but we do so far until the pediatrician tells us otherwise.

The night we roomed in at the hospital was funny because the nurse woke us up at 6:30am and asked me in her chinese accent if I’d you. Um, no… there’s no alarm clock in here and are you kidding that I’m going to be able to wake up on my own considering I’ve been sleep deprived now for over a week??? Laugh. So we fed you after our little lecture from the nurse. Here we are … a 35 year old and a 40 year old being told how to feed a baby. Her words, "You need to feed your baby. He a big eater!"

I never knew love until you.