what i learned and what i would do different

I would relive the last year in a heartbeat. This is what I learned, or at least a part of what I learned. If I had to go back and tell myself any advice, it would be this:

1. Get ready to be sleep deprived. Yes, you are sleep deprived in the last trimester due to being so dang uncomfortable. I remember waking up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. I thought it was neat how mother nature helped prepare me for sleep deprivation. But, that sleep deprivation in the last trimester is NOTHING like the sleep deprivation when little baby comes home. I didn't sleep well for three months. That's a lot of sleep deprivation and I see why prisoners of war are subjected to this type of torture. It is plain torture both physically and mentally. How moms of more than one do THIS with more than one child is beyond me... they are deserving of some sort of congressional award.

2. Because of the sleep deprivation, the mind doesn't work normally. Things that would be no big deal are suddenly major big deals. That means if your husband is snoring in while you are getting up to tend to the baby, one cannot help but look at him in disgust. I remember thinking constantly, "Must be nice...." The baby crying longer than usual, choking on milk because it goes down the wrong way, a weird poop, etc... can all be interpreted as medical emergencies. Delusional thoughts of how frail the baby is and the thoughts of how easy it would be to harm the baby happen, too. Most women don't want to talk about it, but it's true. Thoughts of how frail Lucas' neck was, etc... constantly bombarded me. It seemed to happen more the less sleep I got, and I learned to use that as a cue to get some rest. Call a friend. Seriously. The best baby gift anyone got me was coming to my home about 3-4 weeks out and keeping Lucas from 6pm-10pm while Jeff was out of town to give me time to catch up a little on sleep. It was the BEST GIFT. Kelley Work you rock! A break is all she needs. If her husband doesn't travel, offer to help her during the day during the week. Take a day off work and go to her house and either help her with all the house stuff or have her go to bed and take care of the baby. I wasn't able to ask for help because of my pride. Luckily Kelley being a mom of three was able to recognize what I needed more than another baby blanket...

3. LET YOUR HOUSEWORK GO. Seriously. Let it go. You will NOT be able to take care of the baby, yourself, and the HOUSE in the first several months. If you can let it go, it will make this experience so much better. If you can't let it go, you are going to be completely frazzled and will look back and regret it. I let it go half and half. Wish I had let it go completely.

4. All babies, for the most part, are colicky. They spit up, cry, whine, and the like. Just be calm. Breathe deeply. Pray. Rest. It gets better every single day.

5. Take pictures every day. Don't let it go by without pictures. Last count: I have over 2,000 pictures of Lucas. He's only been on the planet about 330 days. That's a lot of mammarazzi.

6. Get a good video camera. Some of my best memories are memories in motion. At count I have about 9 full video tapes of an hour each. I wish I had done more, but there's only so many times I could capture a little coo early on. When Lucas started crawling at 8 months, it got a lot more fun and interesting.

7. Don't sweat the milestones. Don't sweat the decisions that seem to divide many moms. Don't sweat the vaccines. Be informed and make a decision. No decision is correct or wrong. Seriously. I can argue that vaccines do NOT cause autism and I can argue that delaying if not in daycare is not a big deal either. If vaccines caused autism, we would have much higher rates than we do. That's my personal opinion on it. I did opt to skip all hepatitis vaccines. Research hepatitis and how it's spread and you'll understand why. Hepatitis A is spread through food mostly. Last time I checked, Lucas isn't eating McDonalds. Hepatitis B is spread through bodily fluids. All hospital staff are vaccinated against Hep B as hospital policy. Find out if you have Hep B. If you don't, your baby won't. The only other way he/she could get it as a baby is through blood, etc... I suppose if Lucas was in daycare I would go ahead and give Hep B vaccine because of cuts, scrapes, etc... that can happy and the sheer number of children there; otherwise, wait. If someone tells you to cloth diaper because it saves the environment? Last research shows that either comes out in a wash... in other words, yes it takes hundreds of years for our diapers to degrade. However, the amount of water it takes to wash the cloth diapers is wasteful as well. Probably the better choice would be to find a diaper that is environmentally friendly AND disposable. That would actually be the best choice, but high on the pocketbook and so far haven't found one that didn't leak for Lucas. I don't know about you but a leaky diaper is not something I have the time for working AND taking care of him. Moms are SO opinionated, me included. Take some advice... try it out... find your own way. Don't sweat it. We all love our babies.

8. Get ready to discover that you never knew what love was until you met your child. It goes beyond the love you have for your spouse... not that it's more, but that it's different. You suddenly understand the love that God has for you and that God had for His Son. Just today, I have to add as I type this, a technician was here to put in a new phone jack so I can move my home office downstairs later, and he told me before he left that he had been under the house praying for me. I suppose in his line of work he finds a way to incorporate his faith, which I appreciate, into his work. He told me as he prayed for me that God told Him to tell me how precious I was to Him... like the love that I have for Lucas. I have been thinking about that love lately. I'm super glad that he felt comfortable to share that with me today because in this world, a lot of people would meet that word with skepticism and negativity.

It actually made my day.

Having a child is going to change your life for the better. You will discover how to be less selfish (hopefully). You will be amazed at the amount of love your parents showed you and how much they loved you. If your parent was not in the picture you will wonder how they could even leave.

It has been amazing.

tomorrow he's 7 months old

It is always bittersweet the day before another number is added to age in months.  The last six months of Lucas' life have been phenomenal and amazing.  I have watched this little baby from 6 pounds, 2 ounces to now well over 17 pounds I'm sure.  I've watched his face change, his fuzzy white hair start coming in, and his face become more animated.  Almost daily there is a change I notice as his mother.  I constantly remind myself to document, memorize, and cherish.  This moment in time is just that... a brief moment of a year where so many things change in a baby's life.  He is still as all 6-7 month olds very dependent on someone caring for him.  He can move a little bit, but still no real crawling yet.  This may be a blessing in disguise!

I'm very happy that Lucas still likes to be in my lap and cuddle.  I'm glad that he is not a fast nurser and that he's more of a cuddler and loves the warmth and other things he gets from nursing (rather than just milk).  I do believe he is proof that a baby who starts out on the bottle isn't necessarily a baby that won't nurse.  Maybe it should be that it's a more difficult road.  Either way, I feel that Lucas gets all nurturing from nursing rather than just nutrition as many babies tend to transition to a very fast efficient feed around this time.  Though it is TIRING at best, it's well worth it for Lucas and for me.  I will admit that now that we've started Stage 2 solids this week, I DO know that the waking up in 4 hours after bedtime is just for that nurturing stuff and NOT the nutrition; however, I have been just assuring him and giving him his pacifier and he goes back to sleep.  I do want a full night sleep sometime in 2008.  I can count how many 6+ hours sleep on two hands.  Lucas will grow up with me reminding him that he wasn't a big sleeper!

I've noticed that Lucas reaches for things with his left hand more than his right hand.  I'm not sure if it's something that would show up this early, but my Dad noticed it as well, without me pointing it out.  We may have a lefty on our hands!  Not a bad thing.  Phil does well in golf after all, right?

I think that it's time for me to chronicle my days.  I get up somewhere between midnight and 2 am.  I used to feed him at that time and pump at 3 am.  Those were the days I didn't sleep much and was literally the walking dead.  Sometime in August, this changed.  I started nursing as he finally latched.  Those middle of the night feeds happened but were much more streamlined.  No more feeding him a bottle, changing him, burping him (30 mins) and then turn around and pump for 20 mins.  That 20 mins was saved for sleep.  Over time again sometime in September, he started stretching out his sleeping to 4 am or 5 am and that middle of the night feed transitioned to a 10 pm to 11 pm night feed.  I was still awake.  Amazing how much better one feels after 5 hours in a row rather than 3 hours.  May our next baby be a sleeper!

Today, I wake up around 4-5 am because Lucas wakes me up.  I feed him forever and ever it seems with the goal in mind of him going back to sleep.  Some days I'm successful.  It's always nice when that successful day is a Tuesday when I have a nanny come over to keep him.  That way when I log onto work at 6 am, there's  just a sleeping baby in the next room rather than a baby needing attention when I have no one in town to help me.  (It will be interesting to see the crawling baby and dealing with this issue.  I really need another pack-n-play for the upstairs with toys galore).

Usually then I put him on a blanket in the bathroom and shower and get ready for the day.  He's usually still in that place between sleep and awake, and I can get by with it.  Once upon a time when I'd blow out my hair carefully taking up to 20 minutes has turned into flipping it upstairs and drying it as fast as possible.  I've cut another 1-2 inches off and it seems to have helped on drying time.  I apply makeup fast.  Less than 5 minutes.  Then it's the trek downstairs.  I carry Lucas and Theo at once while watching to make sure that Pate makes it without falling.  See I have two really old dogs.  Pate cannot up stairs very well unless they are carpeted.  Theo cannot go down stairs at all anymore.

I put Lucas in his swing.  (What will I do when he grows out of it?)  I carry Theo and Pate outside the back.  Jake, only 7 years old now, bounds outside with all of the energy that the older two once enjoyed.  I struggle daily with wondering how Pate and Theo will leave this world.  I think it's close to time for Pate to be put down.  How could I ever do that?  It's a whole different topic for sure... something I struggle with watching him limp from room to room.  I've laid a path of mismatched rugs from the stairs to the back door to the den.  It doesn't look well but it helps him function around like an elderly person with a walker.  He's a reminder of how we'll all be if we live long enough...  an old body that doesn't work the way it used to.

Theo will usually catch a second wind outside and jump around like a rabbit.  He's 17 this December.  That's pretty unheard of for a dog!

Theo can walk back up the deck stairs.  I still have to carry Pate.  Lucas is still swinging in his swing.  Everyone still within sight.  Jake appears.  Spunky maltese.

Medicine time.  Pate and Theo get their rimadyl.  Pate gets his vetoryl.  I take my vitamins.  Lucas gets his prevacid.  Usually this makes Lucas cry because it's cherry flavored and he wants more.  He doesn't know it's a drug!  LOL  Then I start my decaf coffee.  By this time we're heading toward 7:30 am.  I pick up Lucas and put him in his exersaucer.  He loves that thing right now.  I play with him for an hour or so.  He gets tired.  He goes to sleep.  Sometimes this is an ordeal, sometimes not.  Today and yesterday it was.  Maybe tomorrow it will be better.

While he sleeps I tell myself I should nap, too.  I rarely do.  I usually read, watch TV, or just think about things.

This routine is making his first year pass way too quickly for my taste!

what is love?

What is love? Love is something that most people, especially women, would define as a feeling of absolute thrill of someone. Limerance, as it is called, is that powerful and constantly distracting and obsessive infatuation with someone. Although I don’t disagree with that aspect of love, in a sense, I believe that it is much more. Love is a commitment. It is putting someone else’s needs before your own, and imagine a couple doing this how much better their relationship would be. Love is something that I have found in my husband.

Divorce is so prevalent today. Obtaining a marriage license is so much easier than obtaining a divorce. It’s ironic in a way. We feel alone or trapped in a marriage and rather than seeking professional advice (my own mother is an LCSW remember! :)), we find ourselves in the arms of another lover. We find ourselves another person, someone new where the passion seems intense and floods our very being. We try to justify our actions in that we were alone, damn it. He/she ignored me. I was alone. I had every right. Does that really justify going out on our own spouse, the very person we committed ourselves to before God and man?

My brother divorced his wife, someone who wasn’t perfect, but was an absolute doll. She would have done anything for him, but there finally came a point where it was obvious that he was constantly on business trips and treated his wife rather poorly. I love my brother dearly and wish him happiness. But at the same time I look at his situation and wonder if he will repeat it with the next one, and the next one, and so on… If we are constantly looking for that feeling, we will find it, but it will have to be with different people – never a long-term committed relationship.

What I have found in my husband is a soulmate. As cheesy as it may sound and certainly cliché, I can honestly say that he is everything I could ever want in a man. He is a gentleman; he is kind. He loves animals; he loves children. He is private, but understands me and opens up to me (though that took about two years of asking). He treats me with respect; he holds nothing back. We have similar goals and values. He’s a wonderful lover.

I remember my mother telling me that my husband was the kind of man that someone could easily run over in a marriage – I’m certain that happened to him in the past among other infidelities – and that I would have to be careful to always treat him with love and kindness because he was a rare jewel.

That he is. I am so lucky to be married to him and look forward to our life together with children and just growing old together. With him, I can just “be.”