And here he is now. Taken by ME.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
getting into everything...
Lucas has a way of crawling really fast toward something new and finding new ways to open things. We have the kitchen completely baby-proof with Tot Locks. Sometimes I do open one of the cabinets to let him pull out pots and pans as that is something ALL babies should have the chance to try. Here he is in the foyer just figuring out how to open a drawer.
I'm so thrilled to celebrate this day with my little man and list all the things he can do. Lucas can:
- Wave to people. Who knows if he knows the difference between Hi and Bye, but he loves to wave. It's usually when the person isn't looking so I think it's more of a "Hey you..." wave.
- Pulls up and stands unassistant. Apparently this means that walking is anytime now. I'm not in a rush to watch Lucas teeter about wabbling, etc... but he's growing up!
- Says a multitude of consonants including: Mama, Dada, Nana, Gaga, Nono, Doo, Goo, Go, Doe, Moe, Ss, St, Ts (weird I know), and so forth. He babbles a lot.
- He's still not a big eater. We're working on that.
- Cruises all over the place with his various toys. His aunt bought him a really cool dump truck that makes all the truck sounds like backing up, the horn, starting the truck, etc... It's really neat, and he can store his toys in the back. He got an elmo, a Corduroy bear, etc... What a lucky little guy...
- He points to things he wants.
- He tends to have a little bit of a temper. I'm wondering if this is from me? LOL
what i learned and what i would do different
I would relive the last year in a heartbeat. This is what I learned, or at least a part of what I learned. If I had to go back and tell myself any advice, it would be this:
1. Get ready to be sleep deprived. Yes, you are sleep deprived in the last trimester due to being so dang uncomfortable. I remember waking up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. I thought it was neat how mother nature helped prepare me for sleep deprivation. But, that sleep deprivation in the last trimester is NOTHING like the sleep deprivation when little baby comes home. I didn't sleep well for three months. That's a lot of sleep deprivation and I see why prisoners of war are subjected to this type of torture. It is plain torture both physically and mentally. How moms of more than one do THIS with more than one child is beyond me... they are deserving of some sort of congressional award.
2. Because of the sleep deprivation, the mind doesn't work normally. Things that would be no big deal are suddenly major big deals. That means if your husband is snoring in while you are getting up to tend to the baby, one cannot help but look at him in disgust. I remember thinking constantly, "Must be nice...." The baby crying longer than usual, choking on milk because it goes down the wrong way, a weird poop, etc... can all be interpreted as medical emergencies. Delusional thoughts of how frail the baby is and the thoughts of how easy it would be to harm the baby happen, too. Most women don't want to talk about it, but it's true. Thoughts of how frail Lucas' neck was, etc... constantly bombarded me. It seemed to happen more the less sleep I got, and I learned to use that as a cue to get some rest. Call a friend. Seriously. The best baby gift anyone got me was coming to my home about 3-4 weeks out and keeping Lucas from 6pm-10pm while Jeff was out of town to give me time to catch up a little on sleep. It was the BEST GIFT. Kelley Work you rock! A break is all she needs. If her husband doesn't travel, offer to help her during the day during the week. Take a day off work and go to her house and either help her with all the house stuff or have her go to bed and take care of the baby. I wasn't able to ask for help because of my pride. Luckily Kelley being a mom of three was able to recognize what I needed more than another baby blanket...
3. LET YOUR HOUSEWORK GO. Seriously. Let it go. You will NOT be able to take care of the baby, yourself, and the HOUSE in the first several months. If you can let it go, it will make this experience so much better. If you can't let it go, you are going to be completely frazzled and will look back and regret it. I let it go half and half. Wish I had let it go completely.
4. All babies, for the most part, are colicky. They spit up, cry, whine, and the like. Just be calm. Breathe deeply. Pray. Rest. It gets better every single day.
5. Take pictures every day. Don't let it go by without pictures. Last count: I have over 2,000 pictures of Lucas. He's only been on the planet about 330 days. That's a lot of mammarazzi.
6. Get a good video camera. Some of my best memories are memories in motion. At count I have about 9 full video tapes of an hour each. I wish I had done more, but there's only so many times I could capture a little coo early on. When Lucas started crawling at 8 months, it got a lot more fun and interesting.
7. Don't sweat the milestones. Don't sweat the decisions that seem to divide many moms. Don't sweat the vaccines. Be informed and make a decision. No decision is correct or wrong. Seriously. I can argue that vaccines do NOT cause autism and I can argue that delaying if not in daycare is not a big deal either. If vaccines caused autism, we would have much higher rates than we do. That's my personal opinion on it. I did opt to skip all hepatitis vaccines. Research hepatitis and how it's spread and you'll understand why. Hepatitis A is spread through food mostly. Last time I checked, Lucas isn't eating McDonalds. Hepatitis B is spread through bodily fluids. All hospital staff are vaccinated against Hep B as hospital policy. Find out if you have Hep B. If you don't, your baby won't. The only other way he/she could get it as a baby is through blood, etc... I suppose if Lucas was in daycare I would go ahead and give Hep B vaccine because of cuts, scrapes, etc... that can happy and the sheer number of children there; otherwise, wait. If someone tells you to cloth diaper because it saves the environment? Last research shows that either comes out in a wash... in other words, yes it takes hundreds of years for our diapers to degrade. However, the amount of water it takes to wash the cloth diapers is wasteful as well. Probably the better choice would be to find a diaper that is environmentally friendly AND disposable. That would actually be the best choice, but high on the pocketbook and so far haven't found one that didn't leak for Lucas. I don't know about you but a leaky diaper is not something I have the time for working AND taking care of him. Moms are SO opinionated, me included. Take some advice... try it out... find your own way. Don't sweat it. We all love our babies.
8. Get ready to discover that you never knew what love was until you met your child. It goes beyond the love you have for your spouse... not that it's more, but that it's different. You suddenly understand the love that God has for you and that God had for His Son. Just today, I have to add as I type this, a technician was here to put in a new phone jack so I can move my home office downstairs later, and he told me before he left that he had been under the house praying for me. I suppose in his line of work he finds a way to incorporate his faith, which I appreciate, into his work. He told me as he prayed for me that God told Him to tell me how precious I was to Him... like the love that I have for Lucas. I have been thinking about that love lately. I'm super glad that he felt comfortable to share that with me today because in this world, a lot of people would meet that word with skepticism and negativity.
It actually made my day.
Having a child is going to change your life for the better. You will discover how to be less selfish (hopefully). You will be amazed at the amount of love your parents showed you and how much they loved you. If your parent was not in the picture you will wonder how they could even leave.
It has been amazing.
1. Get ready to be sleep deprived. Yes, you are sleep deprived in the last trimester due to being so dang uncomfortable. I remember waking up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. I thought it was neat how mother nature helped prepare me for sleep deprivation. But, that sleep deprivation in the last trimester is NOTHING like the sleep deprivation when little baby comes home. I didn't sleep well for three months. That's a lot of sleep deprivation and I see why prisoners of war are subjected to this type of torture. It is plain torture both physically and mentally. How moms of more than one do THIS with more than one child is beyond me... they are deserving of some sort of congressional award.
2. Because of the sleep deprivation, the mind doesn't work normally. Things that would be no big deal are suddenly major big deals. That means if your husband is snoring in while you are getting up to tend to the baby, one cannot help but look at him in disgust. I remember thinking constantly, "Must be nice...." The baby crying longer than usual, choking on milk because it goes down the wrong way, a weird poop, etc... can all be interpreted as medical emergencies. Delusional thoughts of how frail the baby is and the thoughts of how easy it would be to harm the baby happen, too. Most women don't want to talk about it, but it's true. Thoughts of how frail Lucas' neck was, etc... constantly bombarded me. It seemed to happen more the less sleep I got, and I learned to use that as a cue to get some rest. Call a friend. Seriously. The best baby gift anyone got me was coming to my home about 3-4 weeks out and keeping Lucas from 6pm-10pm while Jeff was out of town to give me time to catch up a little on sleep. It was the BEST GIFT. Kelley Work you rock! A break is all she needs. If her husband doesn't travel, offer to help her during the day during the week. Take a day off work and go to her house and either help her with all the house stuff or have her go to bed and take care of the baby. I wasn't able to ask for help because of my pride. Luckily Kelley being a mom of three was able to recognize what I needed more than another baby blanket...
3. LET YOUR HOUSEWORK GO. Seriously. Let it go. You will NOT be able to take care of the baby, yourself, and the HOUSE in the first several months. If you can let it go, it will make this experience so much better. If you can't let it go, you are going to be completely frazzled and will look back and regret it. I let it go half and half. Wish I had let it go completely.
4. All babies, for the most part, are colicky. They spit up, cry, whine, and the like. Just be calm. Breathe deeply. Pray. Rest. It gets better every single day.
5. Take pictures every day. Don't let it go by without pictures. Last count: I have over 2,000 pictures of Lucas. He's only been on the planet about 330 days. That's a lot of mammarazzi.
6. Get a good video camera. Some of my best memories are memories in motion. At count I have about 9 full video tapes of an hour each. I wish I had done more, but there's only so many times I could capture a little coo early on. When Lucas started crawling at 8 months, it got a lot more fun and interesting.
7. Don't sweat the milestones. Don't sweat the decisions that seem to divide many moms. Don't sweat the vaccines. Be informed and make a decision. No decision is correct or wrong. Seriously. I can argue that vaccines do NOT cause autism and I can argue that delaying if not in daycare is not a big deal either. If vaccines caused autism, we would have much higher rates than we do. That's my personal opinion on it. I did opt to skip all hepatitis vaccines. Research hepatitis and how it's spread and you'll understand why. Hepatitis A is spread through food mostly. Last time I checked, Lucas isn't eating McDonalds. Hepatitis B is spread through bodily fluids. All hospital staff are vaccinated against Hep B as hospital policy. Find out if you have Hep B. If you don't, your baby won't. The only other way he/she could get it as a baby is through blood, etc... I suppose if Lucas was in daycare I would go ahead and give Hep B vaccine because of cuts, scrapes, etc... that can happy and the sheer number of children there; otherwise, wait. If someone tells you to cloth diaper because it saves the environment? Last research shows that either comes out in a wash... in other words, yes it takes hundreds of years for our diapers to degrade. However, the amount of water it takes to wash the cloth diapers is wasteful as well. Probably the better choice would be to find a diaper that is environmentally friendly AND disposable. That would actually be the best choice, but high on the pocketbook and so far haven't found one that didn't leak for Lucas. I don't know about you but a leaky diaper is not something I have the time for working AND taking care of him. Moms are SO opinionated, me included. Take some advice... try it out... find your own way. Don't sweat it. We all love our babies.
8. Get ready to discover that you never knew what love was until you met your child. It goes beyond the love you have for your spouse... not that it's more, but that it's different. You suddenly understand the love that God has for you and that God had for His Son. Just today, I have to add as I type this, a technician was here to put in a new phone jack so I can move my home office downstairs later, and he told me before he left that he had been under the house praying for me. I suppose in his line of work he finds a way to incorporate his faith, which I appreciate, into his work. He told me as he prayed for me that God told Him to tell me how precious I was to Him... like the love that I have for Lucas. I have been thinking about that love lately. I'm super glad that he felt comfortable to share that with me today because in this world, a lot of people would meet that word with skepticism and negativity.
It actually made my day.
Having a child is going to change your life for the better. You will discover how to be less selfish (hopefully). You will be amazed at the amount of love your parents showed you and how much they loved you. If your parent was not in the picture you will wonder how they could even leave.
It has been amazing.
happy birthday to my mom!
I meant to post this picture last month but as usual, the time gets away from me. Here's my mom blowing out her candles as her favorite grandson watches. He's ready to dig into some cake... won't be long now!
grateful
It is easy in the late evening to not pause and think about the day and all it held for me. Even a day like today... a Wednesday... was wonderful. Lucas allowed me to sleep in. Of course, I had to carry him back to the bed with me and we napped in a bit until the two old dogs wouldn't have another minute of not going outside. Lucas had a big appetite today, something that is not necessarily normal. He's not a big eater and of the babies I'm around, he's weighing less. He's not skinny; he's not necessarily picky. I'm hoping it's just a phase. The morning passed in a blur. I had a conference call I had to get on at 9am. Lucas just tottered around the living room grinning up at me from time to time. He's such the little comedian. At 12:30pm we left for our Wednesday playdate where we meet up with friends with babies in common. It's fun. It's nice that we talk about things other than babies, too! I had a nice glass of wine, a strong cup of coffee, and much needed conversation. I think I unload a lot. We took the long drive home down Granny White Pike and through Brentwood and circling Franklin twice through downtown. Lucas was getting his nap in the car, his favorite place to sleep lately. My wonderful parents came over. We enjoyed the evening.
And now the day is done. I'm grateful for the simple things today. I'm thankful for health, family, and love.
And now the day is done. I'm grateful for the simple things today. I'm thankful for health, family, and love.
things i cherish now
1. Big smiles with odd baby teeth sprinkled here and there. Today there are five teeth. He and Theo, our shih-tzu, have a lot in common. "Summer teeth" - some are here and there.
2. Hearing Jeff downstairs "singing" to Lucas and bouncing him on his knee. Hearing him kiss Lucas' head. Hearing anything from them reflecting the bond that a daddy has with his son. So sweet.
3. An awake ten month old standing in his crib first thing in the morning holding his favorite toy. The big smile that fills his face when I walk in the room. Yes, he has me completely wrapped around his finger. This morning, for example, I greeted him with a bigger smile. I didn't get to put him to bed last night because we went out for a Valentines' Day dinner. I missed tucking him in. So glad we are taking him to FL with us in May.
4. Big chubby baby feet. I love tickling him and messing with his feet. He's quite the comedian himself!
5. Seeing my mother and father go ga-ga over Lucas. Seeing family resemblances within Lucas. It's so amazing that a child is a genetic combination of two different families. Both are truly represented.
2. Hearing Jeff downstairs "singing" to Lucas and bouncing him on his knee. Hearing him kiss Lucas' head. Hearing anything from them reflecting the bond that a daddy has with his son. So sweet.
3. An awake ten month old standing in his crib first thing in the morning holding his favorite toy. The big smile that fills his face when I walk in the room. Yes, he has me completely wrapped around his finger. This morning, for example, I greeted him with a bigger smile. I didn't get to put him to bed last night because we went out for a Valentines' Day dinner. I missed tucking him in. So glad we are taking him to FL with us in May.
4. Big chubby baby feet. I love tickling him and messing with his feet. He's quite the comedian himself!
5. Seeing my mother and father go ga-ga over Lucas. Seeing family resemblances within Lucas. It's so amazing that a child is a genetic combination of two different families. Both are truly represented.
the dysfunctional family
The dysfunctional family structure has elements of roles that children will take on and carry into adulthood. I am one of the ones that believes there is nothing that two parents can do to have a perfect home. How can two imperfect people create a perfect family? It's impossible. With that said there are ways to try to figure out why we act the way we do and why family members act the way they do... even later on in life.
One of the roles taken is called the "Hero Child." I know it sounds prestigious and worthy of praise, but in fact it's a prison.
Here is the kind of bargaining that is done within the mind. Everything will be OK if I just:
...be good at everything in school
...make straight A's
...make first chair in band
...keep my room clean
...literally "perform" for visitors to our home
...be the responsible one with the kids on the block
...keep my little brother "in line."
But even if you follow all of these "rules," you as the hero child are doomed to perpetual disappointment.
...no matter how high the levels of achievement, it is never quite "good enough." After years of struggling to be the good child, the other members of the family take your good performance for granted.
... Parents reward the "bad" scapegoat kid with their attention.
...little brothers and sisters still misbehave.
...other kids isolate the hero child with ridicule, labeling him the "goody two shoes"
And worse, over time the other siblings can even become to resent someone who is only doing the steps within the role that fell into their lap. The role for survival or for affection, etc...
The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an over-achiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured it is doing well, as it can always look to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain well-paying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family's pain. The Hero's compulsive drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The Hero's qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others outside the family to remark upon the child's good character, and obtains him or her much positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of spirituality.
The Scapegoat, who is often the second born, characteristically acts out in anger and defiance, often behaving in delinquent ways, but inwardly he or she feels hurt in that the family's attention has gone to the Dependent or the Hero, and he or she has been ignored. The Scapegoat's poor performance in school, experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sexuality, flaunting of the conventions of society, or involvement in adolescent gangs or criminal activity may lead him or her to be labeled the family's problem, drawing attention away from the Dependent's addiction. This behavior can also be seen as a cry for help, and it is often the delinquency of the Scapegoat that leads the entire family into treatment. The acting out behavior of the Scapegoat may bring with it substance abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, early pregnancy for which he or she is not prepared, or incarceration. The hostile and irresponsible attitude of the Scapegoat may lead him or her into accidents, or acts of violence against others or self. The attitude of defiance may lead him or her to do poorly in school, effecting future employment and the opportunity to earn an adequate income. The Scapegoat's cleverness and manipulation may be used to engage in leadership of peer groups, or in the invention of schemes of dubious legality, or outright criminality, to earn a livelihood. Though the Scapegoat may develop social skills within his or her circle of peers, the relationships he or she experiences tend to be shallow and inauthentic. The Scapegoat, cast in the role of a rebel, may have lost touch with his spiritual potentials and morality, as well.
Understanding how the Scapegoat would resent the Hero Child and vice versa makes perfect sense.
siblings
I have to admit that I have feelings of longing of what could have been when I see pictures of happy siblings. Especially siblings who are older and are friends. My brother and I don't have that and some days I can remember things about our relationship and become quite introspective.
When I look back in time it's always obvious that with my brother there is always an element of anger and bitterness in regards to his definition of himself in our family. My part in it is that after his anger toward me in 2002, I never mentally recovered. I would see him or think about him and cringe. I couldn't stand the sound of his voice knowing what he had done to me. I kept trying to figure out what forgiveness was. I still struggle with what it is. I would think of the past and all of the things that he had done to me. He treated me just as the way he wanted. How could he ever say that he loved me as a sister?
Why is it that my brother is not speaking to me or even interested in his nephew NOW? The reason I'm told through the family grapevine is that I sent an email to his ex-wife about the birth of our son and that the email forwarded its way to my brother.
His ex-wife was one of my college roommates before they ever dated. And due to an email he sent me in February that was more "stirring the pot" in regards to what he perceives as his life in our family as a child and the allegations he made, I took a step back from him when Lucas came. Anyone with pregnancy hormones and the arrival of their first child knows how remarkable and life changing it is! I didn't have time for the emotions that had unfolded from him in February in regards to what he was now accusing our parents of... a new drama unfolding... something I had never heard him accuse them of. I didn't like what he was saying. In hindsight the accusations should have gone straight back to him and asked to forward to whom they were made. I had no role in it except to say that perhaps he was looking for anything to sever ties with me. He succeeded.
Over the last 9 months though I have had time to mourn the loss of him in my life. Jeff and I sent him a gift for Christmas that he emailed our mother he never received. It's sad to think I should have paid extra to have it tracked. Should sibling relationships be so flawed and hard? I know that he is happy having no contact and all I want for him is to be happy.
I never would have thought in our thirties our relationship with be even more fractured though his actions in the recent past pushed it that way. My actions in return didn't help at all either. There is two sides to every story.
I ask God almost everyday to make things better with him. It's hard when it seems like God hasn't done anything to help reconciliate. I truly do wish the best for Bill and Megan. I truly do.
In the meantime, I need to be focusing on the ones in my life that I do have around. Lucas has a wonderful Aunt Missy, cousin Paige, and three grandparents that love him. I'm glad Larry has found his way back distantly just for the sake of the newest member of our family. It's been amazing.
I know the day my brother looks into the eyes of his newborn, he will understand what I'm feeling. It is a time for letting go of bitterness and anger and starting again. Realizing your parents did all for you that they could with what they have. If you feel they don't accept you, that's their loss, but don't remove yourself from the ones that would do anything for you. Talk about your feelings. Love on your brothers and sisters. At the end of life it won't matter how much you have but who is around you loving you.
I do need help with letting go of him. It's hard for me to live day to day knowing he's not in my son's life. I can't believe he doesn't care. But, there are ton of other Butler folks that do!
When I look back in time it's always obvious that with my brother there is always an element of anger and bitterness in regards to his definition of himself in our family. My part in it is that after his anger toward me in 2002, I never mentally recovered. I would see him or think about him and cringe. I couldn't stand the sound of his voice knowing what he had done to me. I kept trying to figure out what forgiveness was. I still struggle with what it is. I would think of the past and all of the things that he had done to me. He treated me just as the way he wanted. How could he ever say that he loved me as a sister?
Why is it that my brother is not speaking to me or even interested in his nephew NOW? The reason I'm told through the family grapevine is that I sent an email to his ex-wife about the birth of our son and that the email forwarded its way to my brother.
His ex-wife was one of my college roommates before they ever dated. And due to an email he sent me in February that was more "stirring the pot" in regards to what he perceives as his life in our family as a child and the allegations he made, I took a step back from him when Lucas came. Anyone with pregnancy hormones and the arrival of their first child knows how remarkable and life changing it is! I didn't have time for the emotions that had unfolded from him in February in regards to what he was now accusing our parents of... a new drama unfolding... something I had never heard him accuse them of. I didn't like what he was saying. In hindsight the accusations should have gone straight back to him and asked to forward to whom they were made. I had no role in it except to say that perhaps he was looking for anything to sever ties with me. He succeeded.
Over the last 9 months though I have had time to mourn the loss of him in my life. Jeff and I sent him a gift for Christmas that he emailed our mother he never received. It's sad to think I should have paid extra to have it tracked. Should sibling relationships be so flawed and hard? I know that he is happy having no contact and all I want for him is to be happy.
I never would have thought in our thirties our relationship with be even more fractured though his actions in the recent past pushed it that way. My actions in return didn't help at all either. There is two sides to every story.
I ask God almost everyday to make things better with him. It's hard when it seems like God hasn't done anything to help reconciliate. I truly do wish the best for Bill and Megan. I truly do.
In the meantime, I need to be focusing on the ones in my life that I do have around. Lucas has a wonderful Aunt Missy, cousin Paige, and three grandparents that love him. I'm glad Larry has found his way back distantly just for the sake of the newest member of our family. It's been amazing.
I know the day my brother looks into the eyes of his newborn, he will understand what I'm feeling. It is a time for letting go of bitterness and anger and starting again. Realizing your parents did all for you that they could with what they have. If you feel they don't accept you, that's their loss, but don't remove yourself from the ones that would do anything for you. Talk about your feelings. Love on your brothers and sisters. At the end of life it won't matter how much you have but who is around you loving you.
I do need help with letting go of him. It's hard for me to live day to day knowing he's not in my son's life. I can't believe he doesn't care. But, there are ton of other Butler folks that do!
the large family
I have to admit... at the age of 25, a large family was something that I would not consider. Today? I regret that I won't have a big family. The main reason is because a big family is such a blessing. If one child (as an adult) decides to not come in for Christmas? No big deal... there are a lot more coming. Grandchildren? Tons. Family has really been dwindled into a tiny unit of only children, etc... And if every single person is an only child (as in China) there are no more aunts and uncles which means no cousins. We don't have a mandated one child rule as China, but we do have more and more economical restraints where the husband and wife both must work. Childcare is very expensive. The next thing you know the first idea to go is the number of children you can (conceiveably) handle. I always expressed as a child that I wanted three boys. I was a tomboy, and boys fit that stereotype. Today? I have one son and hope for another child.
I have watched the Duggars and their super-huge family. I wonder, "How in the world do they do it?" It's amazing really that they have 18 children! I know it's more than I wanted, but I can't but be a teensy bit envious of that large love.
Maybe next time it WOULD be twins...
I have watched the Duggars and their super-huge family. I wonder, "How in the world do they do it?" It's amazing really that they have 18 children! I know it's more than I wanted, but I can't but be a teensy bit envious of that large love.
Maybe next time it WOULD be twins...
us
It's hard for me sometimes to look at myself in pictures and not scrutinize every single flaw. I would love to lose another 20 lbs. It's hard to do that while nursing. However, just as my previous post, hindsight IS 20/20. I look back in time and think, "I didn't look as bad as I thought." I do hate obsessing over such details. I'm healthy. I have a healthy husband and son. Things are going well yet somehow in regards to me, I see the flaws. I really want to work on that perception thing.
So here are a couple of pictures...
I cannot wait to get the originals. Especially the ones of Lucas and Jeff.
generations
This is Lucas being held by his great-grandmother, Lorene.
It's been tough for me to imagine taking Lucas on a long car ride. But, yesterday we did it. My dad's family is from west Tennessee, and they all live within 10 minutes of one another. With that said, when it's time to get together, it's expected that we drive there since we're the ones that live the furthest out. So, we oblige. This Thanksgiving I'm on call and Christmas we're staying here just because I want the tradition of being at home for Christmas. It feels good that we've made this decision though I would love for everyone to meet Lucas... they are just going to have to drive to meet him!
Yesterday, we drove to Dyersburg for Lucas to meet his great-grandmother. I wish that he could have meet Granny (my great-grandmother) and my grandfather, but they passed away while I was in college. I have a couple of old handmade quilts that my great-grandmother made. I know I need to treat them better, but they are hand sewn rather unevenly, etc... and the patches come from all of her old dresses. You can imagine.
The trip went well yesterday. Lucas was a doll all the way there. We stopped halfway there and I changed him, etc... I just entertained him and talked to him rather than using a DVD or anything. I really want to avoid that sort of entertainment until he's older. I've been backing off the TV with him quite a bit lately just because of studies I'm reading. We arrived around noon and my grandmother had made a Mexican meal. Yum!
My grandmother, Lucas' great-grandmother, held onto him for most of the visit. It was precious. I wish now in hindsight she would have been here for a week when I came home with him. I could have used the help and I believe that she would have really encouraged me. I regret that I didn't reach out. I definitely will if we have #2.
My Aunt Brenda was there and her neighbor. My Mom and Dad made the drive as well. We really enjoyed ourselves and glad Jeff drove us in the backseat!
tomorrow he's 7 months old
It is always bittersweet the day before another number is added to age in months. The last six months of Lucas' life have been phenomenal and amazing. I have watched this little baby from 6 pounds, 2 ounces to now well over 17 pounds I'm sure. I've watched his face change, his fuzzy white hair start coming in, and his face become more animated. Almost daily there is a change I notice as his mother. I constantly remind myself to document, memorize, and cherish. This moment in time is just that... a brief moment of a year where so many things change in a baby's life. He is still as all 6-7 month olds very dependent on someone caring for him. He can move a little bit, but still no real crawling yet. This may be a blessing in disguise!
I'm very happy that Lucas still likes to be in my lap and cuddle. I'm glad that he is not a fast nurser and that he's more of a cuddler and loves the warmth and other things he gets from nursing (rather than just milk). I do believe he is proof that a baby who starts out on the bottle isn't necessarily a baby that won't nurse. Maybe it should be that it's a more difficult road. Either way, I feel that Lucas gets all nurturing from nursing rather than just nutrition as many babies tend to transition to a very fast efficient feed around this time. Though it is TIRING at best, it's well worth it for Lucas and for me. I will admit that now that we've started Stage 2 solids this week, I DO know that the waking up in 4 hours after bedtime is just for that nurturing stuff and NOT the nutrition; however, I have been just assuring him and giving him his pacifier and he goes back to sleep. I do want a full night sleep sometime in 2008. I can count how many 6+ hours sleep on two hands. Lucas will grow up with me reminding him that he wasn't a big sleeper!
I've noticed that Lucas reaches for things with his left hand more than his right hand. I'm not sure if it's something that would show up this early, but my Dad noticed it as well, without me pointing it out. We may have a lefty on our hands! Not a bad thing. Phil does well in golf after all, right?
I think that it's time for me to chronicle my days. I get up somewhere between midnight and 2 am. I used to feed him at that time and pump at 3 am. Those were the days I didn't sleep much and was literally the walking dead. Sometime in August, this changed. I started nursing as he finally latched. Those middle of the night feeds happened but were much more streamlined. No more feeding him a bottle, changing him, burping him (30 mins) and then turn around and pump for 20 mins. That 20 mins was saved for sleep. Over time again sometime in September, he started stretching out his sleeping to 4 am or 5 am and that middle of the night feed transitioned to a 10 pm to 11 pm night feed. I was still awake. Amazing how much better one feels after 5 hours in a row rather than 3 hours. May our next baby be a sleeper!
Today, I wake up around 4-5 am because Lucas wakes me up. I feed him forever and ever it seems with the goal in mind of him going back to sleep. Some days I'm successful. It's always nice when that successful day is a Tuesday when I have a nanny come over to keep him. That way when I log onto work at 6 am, there's just a sleeping baby in the next room rather than a baby needing attention when I have no one in town to help me. (It will be interesting to see the crawling baby and dealing with this issue. I really need another pack-n-play for the upstairs with toys galore).
Usually then I put him on a blanket in the bathroom and shower and get ready for the day. He's usually still in that place between sleep and awake, and I can get by with it. Once upon a time when I'd blow out my hair carefully taking up to 20 minutes has turned into flipping it upstairs and drying it as fast as possible. I've cut another 1-2 inches off and it seems to have helped on drying time. I apply makeup fast. Less than 5 minutes. Then it's the trek downstairs. I carry Lucas and Theo at once while watching to make sure that Pate makes it without falling. See I have two really old dogs. Pate cannot up stairs very well unless they are carpeted. Theo cannot go down stairs at all anymore.
I put Lucas in his swing. (What will I do when he grows out of it?) I carry Theo and Pate outside the back. Jake, only 7 years old now, bounds outside with all of the energy that the older two once enjoyed. I struggle daily with wondering how Pate and Theo will leave this world. I think it's close to time for Pate to be put down. How could I ever do that? It's a whole different topic for sure... something I struggle with watching him limp from room to room. I've laid a path of mismatched rugs from the stairs to the back door to the den. It doesn't look well but it helps him function around like an elderly person with a walker. He's a reminder of how we'll all be if we live long enough... an old body that doesn't work the way it used to.
Theo will usually catch a second wind outside and jump around like a rabbit. He's 17 this December. That's pretty unheard of for a dog!
Theo can walk back up the deck stairs. I still have to carry Pate. Lucas is still swinging in his swing. Everyone still within sight. Jake appears. Spunky maltese.
Medicine time. Pate and Theo get their rimadyl. Pate gets his vetoryl. I take my vitamins. Lucas gets his prevacid. Usually this makes Lucas cry because it's cherry flavored and he wants more. He doesn't know it's a drug! LOL Then I start my decaf coffee. By this time we're heading toward 7:30 am. I pick up Lucas and put him in his exersaucer. He loves that thing right now. I play with him for an hour or so. He gets tired. He goes to sleep. Sometimes this is an ordeal, sometimes not. Today and yesterday it was. Maybe tomorrow it will be better.
While he sleeps I tell myself I should nap, too. I rarely do. I usually read, watch TV, or just think about things.
This routine is making his first year pass way too quickly for my taste!
I'm very happy that Lucas still likes to be in my lap and cuddle. I'm glad that he is not a fast nurser and that he's more of a cuddler and loves the warmth and other things he gets from nursing (rather than just milk). I do believe he is proof that a baby who starts out on the bottle isn't necessarily a baby that won't nurse. Maybe it should be that it's a more difficult road. Either way, I feel that Lucas gets all nurturing from nursing rather than just nutrition as many babies tend to transition to a very fast efficient feed around this time. Though it is TIRING at best, it's well worth it for Lucas and for me. I will admit that now that we've started Stage 2 solids this week, I DO know that the waking up in 4 hours after bedtime is just for that nurturing stuff and NOT the nutrition; however, I have been just assuring him and giving him his pacifier and he goes back to sleep. I do want a full night sleep sometime in 2008. I can count how many 6+ hours sleep on two hands. Lucas will grow up with me reminding him that he wasn't a big sleeper!
I've noticed that Lucas reaches for things with his left hand more than his right hand. I'm not sure if it's something that would show up this early, but my Dad noticed it as well, without me pointing it out. We may have a lefty on our hands! Not a bad thing. Phil does well in golf after all, right?
I think that it's time for me to chronicle my days. I get up somewhere between midnight and 2 am. I used to feed him at that time and pump at 3 am. Those were the days I didn't sleep much and was literally the walking dead. Sometime in August, this changed. I started nursing as he finally latched. Those middle of the night feeds happened but were much more streamlined. No more feeding him a bottle, changing him, burping him (30 mins) and then turn around and pump for 20 mins. That 20 mins was saved for sleep. Over time again sometime in September, he started stretching out his sleeping to 4 am or 5 am and that middle of the night feed transitioned to a 10 pm to 11 pm night feed. I was still awake. Amazing how much better one feels after 5 hours in a row rather than 3 hours. May our next baby be a sleeper!
Today, I wake up around 4-5 am because Lucas wakes me up. I feed him forever and ever it seems with the goal in mind of him going back to sleep. Some days I'm successful. It's always nice when that successful day is a Tuesday when I have a nanny come over to keep him. That way when I log onto work at 6 am, there's just a sleeping baby in the next room rather than a baby needing attention when I have no one in town to help me. (It will be interesting to see the crawling baby and dealing with this issue. I really need another pack-n-play for the upstairs with toys galore).
Usually then I put him on a blanket in the bathroom and shower and get ready for the day. He's usually still in that place between sleep and awake, and I can get by with it. Once upon a time when I'd blow out my hair carefully taking up to 20 minutes has turned into flipping it upstairs and drying it as fast as possible. I've cut another 1-2 inches off and it seems to have helped on drying time. I apply makeup fast. Less than 5 minutes. Then it's the trek downstairs. I carry Lucas and Theo at once while watching to make sure that Pate makes it without falling. See I have two really old dogs. Pate cannot up stairs very well unless they are carpeted. Theo cannot go down stairs at all anymore.
I put Lucas in his swing. (What will I do when he grows out of it?) I carry Theo and Pate outside the back. Jake, only 7 years old now, bounds outside with all of the energy that the older two once enjoyed. I struggle daily with wondering how Pate and Theo will leave this world. I think it's close to time for Pate to be put down. How could I ever do that? It's a whole different topic for sure... something I struggle with watching him limp from room to room. I've laid a path of mismatched rugs from the stairs to the back door to the den. It doesn't look well but it helps him function around like an elderly person with a walker. He's a reminder of how we'll all be if we live long enough... an old body that doesn't work the way it used to.
Theo will usually catch a second wind outside and jump around like a rabbit. He's 17 this December. That's pretty unheard of for a dog!
Theo can walk back up the deck stairs. I still have to carry Pate. Lucas is still swinging in his swing. Everyone still within sight. Jake appears. Spunky maltese.
Medicine time. Pate and Theo get their rimadyl. Pate gets his vetoryl. I take my vitamins. Lucas gets his prevacid. Usually this makes Lucas cry because it's cherry flavored and he wants more. He doesn't know it's a drug! LOL Then I start my decaf coffee. By this time we're heading toward 7:30 am. I pick up Lucas and put him in his exersaucer. He loves that thing right now. I play with him for an hour or so. He gets tired. He goes to sleep. Sometimes this is an ordeal, sometimes not. Today and yesterday it was. Maybe tomorrow it will be better.
While he sleeps I tell myself I should nap, too. I rarely do. I usually read, watch TV, or just think about things.
This routine is making his first year pass way too quickly for my taste!
playing with photography
I had a bit of time today to play with my camera, as usual, and thought I'd share some shots I captured.
There's nothing sweeter than baby feet. He definitely has his father's toes. The big toe and second toe can split apart pretty far, almost as if he could stick that big toe out and flag down the next car on the road!
We've been working hard on naps in the past couple of days. This is a tough one for me because I definitely have very little patience, but today it paid off using the techniques another new mother taught me.
What a sweet baby he has been, and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I did some reflection today remember how badly we wanted this child.
We feel very blessed right now.
family
I really miss the way my family used to be. We all used to live in the same area in northwestern Tennessee. Although we are different in many ways, it was nice to be able to see them all whenever I desired. Today, I see my extended family maybe once or twice a year. They still haven't met Lucas yet because the drive is 7 hours roundtrip. I am not really ready to make that trip yet!
..
My grandfather passed away several years ago quite suddenly between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now in hindsight it is easy to see that he was the rock of the family. There's not this great "need" for the entire family to get together as before. He was a devout Christian as well, and I have no doubt that I will see him again. It's almost like watching my grandfather with the youngest grandchild he had, Brandy, when I watch my own father with Lucas. There's a magic touch there that was passed down to the next generation. I'm sure that my own brother's way with babies will appear when he has his first child. I have a lot of hope that children will change my brother's life (as it has mine).
My grandfather was a hard working blue-collar worker. He spent years doing something he loved, a mechanic, and he taught his son everything he knew about cars. He loved animals. He loved pecans and had several pecan trees. He fought for our country in World War II.
..
One of the funniest and fondest things I think of when I think of my grandfather was his relationship with his mother-in-law, my great-grandmother (granny). I barely remember granny being married to Lex. He was granny's, I don't know 2nd/3rd, husband (the others died). Granny basically lived right up the road from her daughter and son-in-law all those years and passed away a couple of years before my grandfather. She had a tiny little house that she painted a pumpkin color. She thought it was gold as in "the streets of gold" in heaven. I kid you not! Granny would call the Party Line in Dyersburg daily to talk about Jesus. I admit looking back, I thought she was a bit off-her-rocker, but apparently it wasn't dementia as I thought. My own mother admitted that she had always been this way, crazy about Jesus.
My grandfather and granny had a funny relationship. I swear it could have been a sitcom with the way they would banter back and forth over anything. I can remember getting a chuckle out of my grandfather when granny accused him of looking at another woman in the Walmart parking lot. Grandfather loved driving his mother-in-law (granny) to Walmart, so just imagine a woman in her 80's and a man in his late 60's/early 70's fighting over things that you would expect in two people much younger. It just goes to show that a mother-in-law relationship is quite funny!
They are both gone now. Granny died quite suddenly. I don't really know if it was a stroke or a massive heart attack. My grandfather died of a stroke. He was on coumadin for transient ischemic attacks and was a type II diabetic.
My grandmother (his wife) is all that I have left as far as grandparents are concerned. I'll really miss her when she's gone, though I don't see her as much as I should.
..
My grandfather passed away several years ago quite suddenly between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now in hindsight it is easy to see that he was the rock of the family. There's not this great "need" for the entire family to get together as before. He was a devout Christian as well, and I have no doubt that I will see him again. It's almost like watching my grandfather with the youngest grandchild he had, Brandy, when I watch my own father with Lucas. There's a magic touch there that was passed down to the next generation. I'm sure that my own brother's way with babies will appear when he has his first child. I have a lot of hope that children will change my brother's life (as it has mine).
My grandfather was a hard working blue-collar worker. He spent years doing something he loved, a mechanic, and he taught his son everything he knew about cars. He loved animals. He loved pecans and had several pecan trees. He fought for our country in World War II.
..
One of the funniest and fondest things I think of when I think of my grandfather was his relationship with his mother-in-law, my great-grandmother (granny). I barely remember granny being married to Lex. He was granny's, I don't know 2nd/3rd, husband (the others died). Granny basically lived right up the road from her daughter and son-in-law all those years and passed away a couple of years before my grandfather. She had a tiny little house that she painted a pumpkin color. She thought it was gold as in "the streets of gold" in heaven. I kid you not! Granny would call the Party Line in Dyersburg daily to talk about Jesus. I admit looking back, I thought she was a bit off-her-rocker, but apparently it wasn't dementia as I thought. My own mother admitted that she had always been this way, crazy about Jesus.
My grandfather and granny had a funny relationship. I swear it could have been a sitcom with the way they would banter back and forth over anything. I can remember getting a chuckle out of my grandfather when granny accused him of looking at another woman in the Walmart parking lot. Grandfather loved driving his mother-in-law (granny) to Walmart, so just imagine a woman in her 80's and a man in his late 60's/early 70's fighting over things that you would expect in two people much younger. It just goes to show that a mother-in-law relationship is quite funny!
They are both gone now. Granny died quite suddenly. I don't really know if it was a stroke or a massive heart attack. My grandfather died of a stroke. He was on coumadin for transient ischemic attacks and was a type II diabetic.
My grandmother (his wife) is all that I have left as far as grandparents are concerned. I'll really miss her when she's gone, though I don't see her as much as I should.
a moment
I figured while my love was asleep in his chair and L was asleep on me (me on the couch while I'm awake) that L could rest on hubby's chest and they BOTH could sleep. So that is what I'm gazing at right now on the couch pondering the meaning of life.
I've never known love like this. It's quite overwhelming actually. I go back to April 7th when L made his appearance into the world and the wonder I felt. This baby. Half hubby and half me. Amazing. A miracle. I have many times gone back further in time to the miscarriage on 2/2/06. Twins. Two Ls! Imagine it, but I would never have known this L. The miscarriage had its purpose in my life. It helped me appreciate the miracle of life. It helped me grieve for someone I loved (someones actually) though had never met. It made my desire for a child that much stronger.
I think about the love that God has for His children. I heard all about it growing up. "God loves you. You are a child of God." I never knew what that meant to the extent that I do now. If God loves me the way I love L it is no wonder He could die on the cross for His children. It's a love like none other.
It's amazing to just sit here and watch the two of them sleep. Father and son. Hubby, the father he never had. L, the son we desperately wanted for a long time. Hubby's chest is rising and falling as he is sleeping very deeply. L is resting as well rocking to and fro with his Daddy's breathing like a little boat on a moving sea.
What a blessing I've been given with them in my life.
I've never known love like this. It's quite overwhelming actually. I go back to April 7th when L made his appearance into the world and the wonder I felt. This baby. Half hubby and half me. Amazing. A miracle. I have many times gone back further in time to the miscarriage on 2/2/06. Twins. Two Ls! Imagine it, but I would never have known this L. The miscarriage had its purpose in my life. It helped me appreciate the miracle of life. It helped me grieve for someone I loved (someones actually) though had never met. It made my desire for a child that much stronger.
I think about the love that God has for His children. I heard all about it growing up. "God loves you. You are a child of God." I never knew what that meant to the extent that I do now. If God loves me the way I love L it is no wonder He could die on the cross for His children. It's a love like none other.
It's amazing to just sit here and watch the two of them sleep. Father and son. Hubby, the father he never had. L, the son we desperately wanted for a long time. Hubby's chest is rising and falling as he is sleeping very deeply. L is resting as well rocking to and fro with his Daddy's breathing like a little boat on a moving sea.
What a blessing I've been given with them in my life.
bouncy bouncy
Here he is in his exersaucer bouncy thing. I can see a bit of blonde hair maybe coming in on the sides, though it's hard to tell.
He's a complete joy to have, and I feel so fortunate right now. I feel lucky to be working from home and able to avoid daycare right now. I feel blessed to have such a great family.
Right now we're working on naps during the daytime. He has this feeling of wanting to fight sleep during the day, though I've noticed the past couple of nights that with two daytime naps, he is waking up at 2 am and 5 am to eat. I don't like broken up sleep, but maybe it is just a coincidence.
four month goal reached
Let's talk about the great success that has finally happened for my son and me. As you know, our son was born at 36 weeks gestation. He spent about 8 days in the NICU, and I began the laborious process of pumping with a breast pump. I wanted to give him the very best start in life and considering even the formula companies state "breastmilk is best," I decided to make that sacrifice. My goal all along was to get him to nurse, and after the emotional rollercoaster of wondering if it would EVER happen, I began joking about the possibility. I learned to appreciate that I could "see" how much L was getting. I could see 3 oz or 4 oz and could try to push more in the evening to help shape a better sleeping pattern. (I will say not for sure now if that has anything to do with sleep).
I went to a lactation consultant at Centennial Hospital and let me say that I found their services to be the most helpful in lactation. They had me hooked up with a rental hospital Symphony pump which I rented for 2 months. I then purchased a Medela Freestyle. Life did improve with the Freestyle.
I am happy to announce today at four months of age that L is nursing exclusively except for the occasional bottle. Considering I have about 50 bags of 8 oz each breastmilk frozen, I don't think I have to worry about running out anytime soon.
Earlier on, my goal was to pump for six months tops. I always said that if he ever latched on and actually could nurse, I would go a year. I'm a third of the way to a year. Was it really that long ago? Could I really sacrifice another 8 months? The downside for me is running. It's difficult running right now... I'm way too top heavy and the Enell running bra (a.k.a. bulletproof vest) isn't fun. Perhaps it'll get easier adjusting to him nursing and stop pumping. Right now, I'm making about 1 1/2 day of milk per day. WAY too much.
So far I'm loving motherhood. I love my life. I love my husband and L. He's been the best baby, so entertaining, and so much love that I cannot imagine loving anyone more than my husband and son. Family is really where my heart resides...
I went to a lactation consultant at Centennial Hospital and let me say that I found their services to be the most helpful in lactation. They had me hooked up with a rental hospital Symphony pump which I rented for 2 months. I then purchased a Medela Freestyle. Life did improve with the Freestyle.
I am happy to announce today at four months of age that L is nursing exclusively except for the occasional bottle. Considering I have about 50 bags of 8 oz each breastmilk frozen, I don't think I have to worry about running out anytime soon.
Earlier on, my goal was to pump for six months tops. I always said that if he ever latched on and actually could nurse, I would go a year. I'm a third of the way to a year. Was it really that long ago? Could I really sacrifice another 8 months? The downside for me is running. It's difficult running right now... I'm way too top heavy and the Enell running bra (a.k.a. bulletproof vest) isn't fun. Perhaps it'll get easier adjusting to him nursing and stop pumping. Right now, I'm making about 1 1/2 day of milk per day. WAY too much.
So far I'm loving motherhood. I love my life. I love my husband and L. He's been the best baby, so entertaining, and so much love that I cannot imagine loving anyone more than my husband and son. Family is really where my heart resides...
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