a day in the park...

It's getting so much fun to get out with Lucas and enjoy days like this... days where we can go to the park and celebrate the first birthday of a friend. Of course, I brought the camera this time. We went to another birthday party a week or so ago for Marley, and I didn't bring the camera. It seems impossible to hold a baby AND a camera, so luckily Jeff went with me this time! I love this picture of Lucas sitting on the playground watching the bigger kids run and play. I wonder if he imagines himself doing the same very soon! We're in that stage between baby and toddler... the transition that is sentimental for me. It's gone by way too quickly though I love that he communicates and mimics me more. His personality is fairly laid back which I love.

He's turning into a blondie which I suspected though his eyes are still as blue as they were before. I thought he'd be a green-eyed boy like his mom and dad, but so far he's a blue eyed boy like his Uncle Bill (who he still hasn't met) and his grandfather on his dad's side. (He hasn't met him either). Ironic, huh? It's a reminder that genetics are not predictable though you would think green plus green equals green.





Here is Lucas enjoying some ice cream. He kept refusing to try it until just a tiny bit hit his mouth, then it was the opposite reaction. I want more!





You can't ever predict how these little ones will react. Evangeline just wasn't very fond of her birthday hat. Lucas wasn't either. I love the expression of the little girl watching her. Such a moment. Daddy comforting her, everyone watching her... she's grown up so much in the past year!



Another friend, Genevieve, and her daughter Evangeline. Look at the cute bow in her hair!



Melissa and Marley:





Last, the birthday girl and her sweet mommy!

what i learned and what i would do different

I would relive the last year in a heartbeat. This is what I learned, or at least a part of what I learned. If I had to go back and tell myself any advice, it would be this:

1. Get ready to be sleep deprived. Yes, you are sleep deprived in the last trimester due to being so dang uncomfortable. I remember waking up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. I thought it was neat how mother nature helped prepare me for sleep deprivation. But, that sleep deprivation in the last trimester is NOTHING like the sleep deprivation when little baby comes home. I didn't sleep well for three months. That's a lot of sleep deprivation and I see why prisoners of war are subjected to this type of torture. It is plain torture both physically and mentally. How moms of more than one do THIS with more than one child is beyond me... they are deserving of some sort of congressional award.

2. Because of the sleep deprivation, the mind doesn't work normally. Things that would be no big deal are suddenly major big deals. That means if your husband is snoring in while you are getting up to tend to the baby, one cannot help but look at him in disgust. I remember thinking constantly, "Must be nice...." The baby crying longer than usual, choking on milk because it goes down the wrong way, a weird poop, etc... can all be interpreted as medical emergencies. Delusional thoughts of how frail the baby is and the thoughts of how easy it would be to harm the baby happen, too. Most women don't want to talk about it, but it's true. Thoughts of how frail Lucas' neck was, etc... constantly bombarded me. It seemed to happen more the less sleep I got, and I learned to use that as a cue to get some rest. Call a friend. Seriously. The best baby gift anyone got me was coming to my home about 3-4 weeks out and keeping Lucas from 6pm-10pm while Jeff was out of town to give me time to catch up a little on sleep. It was the BEST GIFT. Kelley Work you rock! A break is all she needs. If her husband doesn't travel, offer to help her during the day during the week. Take a day off work and go to her house and either help her with all the house stuff or have her go to bed and take care of the baby. I wasn't able to ask for help because of my pride. Luckily Kelley being a mom of three was able to recognize what I needed more than another baby blanket...

3. LET YOUR HOUSEWORK GO. Seriously. Let it go. You will NOT be able to take care of the baby, yourself, and the HOUSE in the first several months. If you can let it go, it will make this experience so much better. If you can't let it go, you are going to be completely frazzled and will look back and regret it. I let it go half and half. Wish I had let it go completely.

4. All babies, for the most part, are colicky. They spit up, cry, whine, and the like. Just be calm. Breathe deeply. Pray. Rest. It gets better every single day.

5. Take pictures every day. Don't let it go by without pictures. Last count: I have over 2,000 pictures of Lucas. He's only been on the planet about 330 days. That's a lot of mammarazzi.

6. Get a good video camera. Some of my best memories are memories in motion. At count I have about 9 full video tapes of an hour each. I wish I had done more, but there's only so many times I could capture a little coo early on. When Lucas started crawling at 8 months, it got a lot more fun and interesting.

7. Don't sweat the milestones. Don't sweat the decisions that seem to divide many moms. Don't sweat the vaccines. Be informed and make a decision. No decision is correct or wrong. Seriously. I can argue that vaccines do NOT cause autism and I can argue that delaying if not in daycare is not a big deal either. If vaccines caused autism, we would have much higher rates than we do. That's my personal opinion on it. I did opt to skip all hepatitis vaccines. Research hepatitis and how it's spread and you'll understand why. Hepatitis A is spread through food mostly. Last time I checked, Lucas isn't eating McDonalds. Hepatitis B is spread through bodily fluids. All hospital staff are vaccinated against Hep B as hospital policy. Find out if you have Hep B. If you don't, your baby won't. The only other way he/she could get it as a baby is through blood, etc... I suppose if Lucas was in daycare I would go ahead and give Hep B vaccine because of cuts, scrapes, etc... that can happy and the sheer number of children there; otherwise, wait. If someone tells you to cloth diaper because it saves the environment? Last research shows that either comes out in a wash... in other words, yes it takes hundreds of years for our diapers to degrade. However, the amount of water it takes to wash the cloth diapers is wasteful as well. Probably the better choice would be to find a diaper that is environmentally friendly AND disposable. That would actually be the best choice, but high on the pocketbook and so far haven't found one that didn't leak for Lucas. I don't know about you but a leaky diaper is not something I have the time for working AND taking care of him. Moms are SO opinionated, me included. Take some advice... try it out... find your own way. Don't sweat it. We all love our babies.

8. Get ready to discover that you never knew what love was until you met your child. It goes beyond the love you have for your spouse... not that it's more, but that it's different. You suddenly understand the love that God has for you and that God had for His Son. Just today, I have to add as I type this, a technician was here to put in a new phone jack so I can move my home office downstairs later, and he told me before he left that he had been under the house praying for me. I suppose in his line of work he finds a way to incorporate his faith, which I appreciate, into his work. He told me as he prayed for me that God told Him to tell me how precious I was to Him... like the love that I have for Lucas. I have been thinking about that love lately. I'm super glad that he felt comfortable to share that with me today because in this world, a lot of people would meet that word with skepticism and negativity.

It actually made my day.

Having a child is going to change your life for the better. You will discover how to be less selfish (hopefully). You will be amazed at the amount of love your parents showed you and how much they loved you. If your parent was not in the picture you will wonder how they could even leave.

It has been amazing.

surrendering...

I subscribe to Rick Warren's daily devotional, which I love. Most of the time I sign up for these things, I eventually unsubscribe. I haven't his yet over the past year because they are usually so insightful and helpful. I loved this one:

Surrender: Let Go and Let God Work
by Rick Warren

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT)

*** *** *** ***

Surrendering your life means:
· Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you;
· Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come;
· Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;
· Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work.You don’t have to always be in charge. Instead of trying harder, you trust more.
You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself.
Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You are not self-serving, you don’t edge others out, and you don’t demand your rights.

The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, “Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” (Mark 14:36 NLT).

Jesus didn’t pray, “God, if you’re able to take away this pain, please do so.” He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, “God, if it is in your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills your purpose, that’s what I want, too.”

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”
This level of maturity doesn’t come easy.In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he sweat drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it requires intense warfare against our self-centered nature.

It's very difficult and has been in the past for me to do exactly this. I have always been the type of person to try to "make" things happen on my timetable. Trusting and doing nothing while waiting is definitely against my personality. I like results yesterday!

The struggle when finally getting to the point of surrender is an exhausting one. It's "what can I do to do this..."? On and on... trying to make things happen, trying to see the result we want (even at the expense of what is truly best for us), etc... Sometimes we don't even know what is best for us. I'm always trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. God uses those things in our lives for good. I wonder if I'll truly ever learn this lesson rather than struggling for a period of time and then FINALLY releasing it. If I could ever learn to just release it from the beginning, it would save me a lot of heartache.

things i cherish now

1. Big smiles with odd baby teeth sprinkled here and there. Today there are five teeth. He and Theo, our shih-tzu, have a lot in common. "Summer teeth" - some are here and there.

2. Hearing Jeff downstairs "singing" to Lucas and bouncing him on his knee. Hearing him kiss Lucas' head. Hearing anything from them reflecting the bond that a daddy has with his son. So sweet.

3. An awake ten month old standing in his crib first thing in the morning holding his favorite toy. The big smile that fills his face when I walk in the room. Yes, he has me completely wrapped around his finger. This morning, for example, I greeted him with a bigger smile. I didn't get to put him to bed last night because we went out for a Valentines' Day dinner. I missed tucking him in. So glad we are taking him to FL with us in May.

4. Big chubby baby feet. I love tickling him and messing with his feet. He's quite the comedian himself!

5. Seeing my mother and father go ga-ga over Lucas. Seeing family resemblances within Lucas. It's so amazing that a child is a genetic combination of two different families. Both are truly represented.

consider the lillies

My mother enrolled me in piano lessons when I was four years old with a wonderful lady named Jan Smith. I've recently been trying to find her to just reach out and call and let her know how things are going as it's been many, many years since I have heard from her. She took me on as a student much earlier than she liked to, but the prerequesites were that I had to be able to say my ABC's and read. Maybe I was borderline on that one because I feel that music is the first thing I learned to read prior to words. I still have this knack to pull up a sheet of music and just read it, and it feels very second nature to me.

There were countless recitals and performances with this teacher, and sadly I had to move away at the transitional age of twelve where I silently fell apart in a new school. I had a new piano teacher, too, but she was no Jan Smith. Yes, this new teacher was classically trained and impressive. She demanded perfection, short fingernails, and logged hours of practice. It was with her that fell out of love with the piano music I had once loved. When someone is forcing you to do something, sometimes love disappears. It's no longer freewill of learning and creativity but a prison and negative reinforcement. I've never been the type of child or adult that operated well on negative criticism. I can remember my second piano teacher ask me sharply, "Did you practice this week? I can tell you didn't. Your nails are too long. You sound horrid."

Nope. I didn't strive for excellence with her. I did with Jan Smith. Ms. Smith taught me how to fill in and play by ear. She let me write my own music (in my head) and just play it for her after doing the normal lesson. It didn't hurt either that she had a houseful of very handsome boys who all doted on me. (laugh)

One of the songs I played in church was called, "Consider the Lillies." This song was taught to me by Jan Smith where I toyed around with the chords and added in a lot of stuff. All of that made me feel super confident playing it front of what I thought was a large audience. In hindsight, it was just a small country pentecostal church with about 100 members. The lyrics:

Consider the lilies; they don't toil or spin,
But there's not a king with more splendor than them.
Consider the sparrows; they don't plant nor sow,
But they're fed by the Master who watches them grow.

We have a Heavenly Father above
With eyes full of mercy and a heart full of love.
He really cares when your head is bowed low;
Consider the lilies, then you will know.

May I introduce you to this Friend of mine
Who hangs out the stars, tells the sun when to shine.
And kisses the flowers each morning with dew,
Oh, but friend, He's not too busy to care about you!

We have a Heavenly Father above
With eyes full of mercy and a heart full of love.
He really cares when your head is bowed low;
Consider the lilies, then you will know.

Consider the lilies, then you will know.

Which is directly taken from:

Luke 12:22-31 (New American Standard Bible)

22And He said to His disciples, "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.

23"For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.

24"Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds!

25"And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span?

26"If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?

27"Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

28"But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith!

29"And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not (G)keep worrying.

30"For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things.

31"But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Great verses for these times of recession. If the lillies are considered how much more are we?

teachers...

Teachers have been on my mind lately.  I do believe teachers are underpaid and underappreciated, and I would like to appreciate a few that have made an impact on my life.

1.  Dent Yarbro - I will admit that I had a bit of a crush on him as a little sixth grader.  Not only was he a great English teacher, he also encouraged and gave us all positive reinforcement.  He made me feel like an English expert.  I tried, in the past, to find him to send a letter of appreciation, but I have had no luck.  Maybe one day he'll google himself and see this post.  He taught at Fifth Consolidated Elementary School and then went on to become the principal at Dyer County High School in Tennessee.  I believe he retired as the Superintendent of Dyer County Schools. 

2.  Larry Russell - Adamsville High School science teacher.  I really enjoyed him as a teacher, and I learned a lot. I owe him helping to spark an interest in chemistry that continued all the way to college where I majored in Chemistry.  Looking at the AHS website, I see he's no longer teaching. 

3.  Dr. Anthony Harmon - University of Tennessee at Martin professor.  He, too, took his retirement this past spring and has moved back to OK to be closer to family.  He was instrumental in showing me the way to a career in pharmacy, one I had not considered.  I remember telling him I was interested in research but he reminded me gently that I was an extrovert.  I might go crazy in a lab!  He was right...  Thanks to him, I am a pharmacist.

You know time is passing when all three of your influential teachers are now retired.  I hope the ones that replaced them are at least half as good!  What an impact all three of them made upon my life.

the large family

I have to admit... at the age of 25, a large family was something that I would not consider. Today? I regret that I won't have a big family. The main reason is because a big family is such a blessing. If one child (as an adult) decides to not come in for Christmas? No big deal... there are a lot more coming. Grandchildren? Tons. Family has really been dwindled into a tiny unit of only children, etc... And if every single person is an only child (as in China) there are no more aunts and uncles which means no cousins. We don't have a mandated one child rule as China, but we do have more and more economical restraints where the husband and wife both must work. Childcare is very expensive. The next thing you know the first idea to go is the number of children you can (conceiveably) handle. I always expressed as a child that I wanted three boys. I was a tomboy, and boys fit that stereotype. Today? I have one son and hope for another child.

I have watched the Duggars and their super-huge family. I wonder, "How in the world do they do it?" It's amazing really that they have 18 children! I know it's more than I wanted, but I can't but be a teensy bit envious of that large love.

Maybe next time it WOULD be twins...

thankfulness

It's always nice to pause in life and think about all the things I have to be thankful for.  It is quite easy for me, unfortunately, to look at the glass half empty.  I have a fractured relationship with my brother.  I need to lose about 10 lbs.  I want to save more money.  On and on...  but today is the day to look at thing differently.  Thankfulness is something that I believe Americans have a hard time with.  We constantly are trying to keep up with the Jones' with the newest and trendiest.  We work everyday to buy more stuff that we don't even need.  Today, I'm thankful for:

• God for sending His Son to die on a cross for all of our sins.  I am thankful that I can wake up in the wee hours of the morning to nurse my son and pray simultaneously.  It's an interruption to get up during the night, but an interruption that I have found meaning and purpose.  Prayer changes people and things.
• My husband who is the perfect man for me.  He is kind and patient with me.
• My son who was well worth the wait.  I can't remember life before him.
• My family:  Mom, Dad, and the rest.  I've got a wonderful family and hoping that things will improve with my brother though as of today, still haven't heard from him since February.  He still hasn't met his nephew.  I have to focus on it being HIS loss and not ours.  These are sweet times.
• My job.  It fell into my lap and is perfect for me.
  

hindsight

You know the old saying, "Hindsight is 20/20." It's true. It definitely is. I sit and think back to a time just two years ago when many things I believed were shaken and tried. I really hated with the very core of my being that I could not explain why God chose not to heal a miscarriage in progress back in February 2007. I could not understand how it is I can believe one thing with the very core of my being and with the next breath not receive what it is I am praying and begging for.

I was taught from a young age that Jesus still heals, and I still believe that. Although our American society doesn't believe this for the most part, or rather it is our rationalizations of what is healing, etc... we just don't experience this as much. Perhaps it is just true disbelief. I BELIEVED. I really did. I really wanted to have an experience yet again that would match up with how I believe. Something I can point to and say, "See.... here is what God has done." Maybe it's that I wanted more validity in what I believe. I wanted truth and healing all in one big swoop. But, I was left crying in my living room on the couch beneath a big mirror over the fireplace where now hangs a portrait of Lucas. The very place I collapsed now holds new hope. It's like the old song, "Unanswered Prayers." Sometimes we do have to thank God for them.

Whatever it is that you are going through today that seems so disastrous, keep in mind that in a little bit of time it will all make sense. At least the new gifts and healings given and those not given. There's always a season under heaven and a reason things don't go the way I want.

sttn

No doubt about it, the gap between what our culture teaches us to expect of the sleep patterns of a young child (read them a story, tuck them in, turn out the light, and not see them again for 8 hours) and the reality of how children actually sleep if healthy and normal, yawns widely.

But the first steps to dealing with the fact that your young child doesn't sleep through the night, or doesn't want to sleep without you is to realize that:

* (1) Not sleeping through the night until they are 3 or 4 years of age is normal and healthy behavior for human infants.
* (2) Your children are not being difficult or manipulative, they are being normal and healthy, and behaving in ways that are appropriate for our species.

Once you understand these simple truths, it becomes much easier to deal with parenting your child at night. Once you give up the idea that you must have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, and view these nighttime interactions with your child as precious and fleeting, you get used to them very quickly.

Ahhh... the idea of sleeping through the night at 7 months.  It is completely normal that he has not adjusted to that yet. 

I am starting to view the nighttime wakings as precious and fleeting as mentioned.  I do gaze at him in the wee hours of the morning (2am) and think, "Someday, this will turn into me waiting up to make sure you have driven home safely, little Lucas."

tomorrow he's 7 months old

It is always bittersweet the day before another number is added to age in months.  The last six months of Lucas' life have been phenomenal and amazing.  I have watched this little baby from 6 pounds, 2 ounces to now well over 17 pounds I'm sure.  I've watched his face change, his fuzzy white hair start coming in, and his face become more animated.  Almost daily there is a change I notice as his mother.  I constantly remind myself to document, memorize, and cherish.  This moment in time is just that... a brief moment of a year where so many things change in a baby's life.  He is still as all 6-7 month olds very dependent on someone caring for him.  He can move a little bit, but still no real crawling yet.  This may be a blessing in disguise!

I'm very happy that Lucas still likes to be in my lap and cuddle.  I'm glad that he is not a fast nurser and that he's more of a cuddler and loves the warmth and other things he gets from nursing (rather than just milk).  I do believe he is proof that a baby who starts out on the bottle isn't necessarily a baby that won't nurse.  Maybe it should be that it's a more difficult road.  Either way, I feel that Lucas gets all nurturing from nursing rather than just nutrition as many babies tend to transition to a very fast efficient feed around this time.  Though it is TIRING at best, it's well worth it for Lucas and for me.  I will admit that now that we've started Stage 2 solids this week, I DO know that the waking up in 4 hours after bedtime is just for that nurturing stuff and NOT the nutrition; however, I have been just assuring him and giving him his pacifier and he goes back to sleep.  I do want a full night sleep sometime in 2008.  I can count how many 6+ hours sleep on two hands.  Lucas will grow up with me reminding him that he wasn't a big sleeper!

I've noticed that Lucas reaches for things with his left hand more than his right hand.  I'm not sure if it's something that would show up this early, but my Dad noticed it as well, without me pointing it out.  We may have a lefty on our hands!  Not a bad thing.  Phil does well in golf after all, right?

I think that it's time for me to chronicle my days.  I get up somewhere between midnight and 2 am.  I used to feed him at that time and pump at 3 am.  Those were the days I didn't sleep much and was literally the walking dead.  Sometime in August, this changed.  I started nursing as he finally latched.  Those middle of the night feeds happened but were much more streamlined.  No more feeding him a bottle, changing him, burping him (30 mins) and then turn around and pump for 20 mins.  That 20 mins was saved for sleep.  Over time again sometime in September, he started stretching out his sleeping to 4 am or 5 am and that middle of the night feed transitioned to a 10 pm to 11 pm night feed.  I was still awake.  Amazing how much better one feels after 5 hours in a row rather than 3 hours.  May our next baby be a sleeper!

Today, I wake up around 4-5 am because Lucas wakes me up.  I feed him forever and ever it seems with the goal in mind of him going back to sleep.  Some days I'm successful.  It's always nice when that successful day is a Tuesday when I have a nanny come over to keep him.  That way when I log onto work at 6 am, there's  just a sleeping baby in the next room rather than a baby needing attention when I have no one in town to help me.  (It will be interesting to see the crawling baby and dealing with this issue.  I really need another pack-n-play for the upstairs with toys galore).

Usually then I put him on a blanket in the bathroom and shower and get ready for the day.  He's usually still in that place between sleep and awake, and I can get by with it.  Once upon a time when I'd blow out my hair carefully taking up to 20 minutes has turned into flipping it upstairs and drying it as fast as possible.  I've cut another 1-2 inches off and it seems to have helped on drying time.  I apply makeup fast.  Less than 5 minutes.  Then it's the trek downstairs.  I carry Lucas and Theo at once while watching to make sure that Pate makes it without falling.  See I have two really old dogs.  Pate cannot up stairs very well unless they are carpeted.  Theo cannot go down stairs at all anymore.

I put Lucas in his swing.  (What will I do when he grows out of it?)  I carry Theo and Pate outside the back.  Jake, only 7 years old now, bounds outside with all of the energy that the older two once enjoyed.  I struggle daily with wondering how Pate and Theo will leave this world.  I think it's close to time for Pate to be put down.  How could I ever do that?  It's a whole different topic for sure... something I struggle with watching him limp from room to room.  I've laid a path of mismatched rugs from the stairs to the back door to the den.  It doesn't look well but it helps him function around like an elderly person with a walker.  He's a reminder of how we'll all be if we live long enough...  an old body that doesn't work the way it used to.

Theo will usually catch a second wind outside and jump around like a rabbit.  He's 17 this December.  That's pretty unheard of for a dog!

Theo can walk back up the deck stairs.  I still have to carry Pate.  Lucas is still swinging in his swing.  Everyone still within sight.  Jake appears.  Spunky maltese.

Medicine time.  Pate and Theo get their rimadyl.  Pate gets his vetoryl.  I take my vitamins.  Lucas gets his prevacid.  Usually this makes Lucas cry because it's cherry flavored and he wants more.  He doesn't know it's a drug!  LOL  Then I start my decaf coffee.  By this time we're heading toward 7:30 am.  I pick up Lucas and put him in his exersaucer.  He loves that thing right now.  I play with him for an hour or so.  He gets tired.  He goes to sleep.  Sometimes this is an ordeal, sometimes not.  Today and yesterday it was.  Maybe tomorrow it will be better.

While he sleeps I tell myself I should nap, too.  I rarely do.  I usually read, watch TV, or just think about things.

This routine is making his first year pass way too quickly for my taste!

100 things about me

Thanks to G , here I go.  This was very hard!

1.  I have bungee jumped twice.  Both times I felt like I was going to die.  It was especially interesting that one of the two jumps had a big inflatable pad that said, "Have you gotten everything right with Jesus?"

2.  My first memory of life is outside an old country church with about 30 people.  I had continued to misbehave and talk out loud during church when my father had to take me outside for a little spanking.  I think it's funny it's my first memory and I joke around with my dad now that that was when life began.  I was probably around four.

3.  The same church didn't believe in taking medicine when sick.  My parents didn't believe that way.  I remember the Sunday school teacher lining us up in the front of the church and asking each of us about a tummy ache or a headache we had and what our parents did.  The stories continued, "Momma prayed, and I was healed."  "Daddy prayed, and I was healed."  They reached me and I said, "I had a bad headache and momma gave me tylenol and it went away!"  The whole church laughed, and I guess the little pharmacist was born.

4.  I used to always want three sons.  I was a tomboy and felt I'd be a better boy mom than a girl mom.  Now I just want one more and either sex will do.  (I won't be opposed to twins though I bet Jeff would flip!)

5.  I love dogs more than cats though I had a cat in college named Tasselhoff Burrfoot out of a character in a series of books I love.  She died in February 2007 at the ripe old age of 13.  My mom cared for her when I left for pharmacy school.

6.  I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis.  I wish that I could go back in time and be a member of the Inklings.

7.  I got into gaming in college.  I played some card games and board games, but I really loved MUSHs and MUDs .  My first one was Ancient Anguish and then later Elendor .

8.  I told my dad way back in 1991 that I thought AOL was far superior to Compuserve and others.  I wish I would have bought some stock back then!  He does, too.

9.  I hate wearing pants that are my true size.  I prefer them very baggy.  Some reason, this makes me feel thinner.  I can't stand thermal underwear.

10.  I have dyed my hair every color at one time or another.  I prefer it blonde.  My natural color is light brown.

11.  I had lasix in 1999.  Best money I've ever spent.  I'm still 20/15 in one eye and 20/20 in the other almost ten years later.

12.  I'm an ENFP.  I'd rather be an ENFJ.

13.  When asked what my favorite song of all time was - growing up - I'd say, "Boys of Summer," by Don Henley.  Today I'd say "Praise You in this Storm," by Casting Crowns.

14.  I have blogged semi-anonymously for many years.  A few have found the web address and I have to admit it has changed the way I write.  Sometimes I want to vent and it still be a public web addy.  I've learned to change the complaints into something better.

15.  I have always put more stock in intellectualness than beauty.

16.  I was in ROTC in college.  I also joined the Ranger Team and was one of two girls.  If I hadn't gotten into pharmacy school, I would have joined the Army.  When I went to pharmacy school, I almost joined the Navy.  I went through the entire military physical and decided not to at the last minute.  I don't regret not going today.

17.  I have run a couple marathons.  I'd love to do it again.  I am more fond of the 5K and 10K though.

18.  I have had the mumps.

19.  I started playing the piano when I was 4.  I started reading music before I ever learned to read.  I took classical lessons for 14 years.  I am unfortunately very rusty right now!

20.  I was a band nerd.  I should say I am still the nerd part.  I played clarinet, saxophone, french horn, and baritone.  This did not help my love life at all.

21.  I was a cheerleader in 9th grade and hated it.  I felt so fat.  I only weighed 120 lbs.

22.  I was in the school play every year from 7th grade through 12th.

23.  I find it amusing that purses, sunglasses, cars, and name brands show status.

24.  I won't eat liver.

25.  I was a vegetarian for several years.  It was all because of a video I saw of the way cows and chickens are slaughtered.  I couldn't get the images out of my mind for a long time.

26.  I have a sheltie named after Peyton Manning.  I don't like Peyton Manning much at all today since I'm a Titan's fan.

27.  I love Notre Dame football and its history.  I love UT a lot more.  My husband though loves KY so it's difficult.

28.  I am pro-life.  I think it's sad that no one considers the life that is being extinguished.  It's all about the mother.  I get that really I do... but who is taking up for the child with its own unique soul and DNA?

29.  I spend more money on gadgets and electronics than I do on clothes and home furnishings.  I'm waiting on the Blackberry Storm and a new laptop at the moment (got the laptop!).  Crazy.

30.  I mostly sleep on my back.  I prefer to sleep on my right side if on my side.

31.  I am comfortable at 70 F.  Over time that number has moved higher.  I used to like it 67 F.

32.  I have big feet.  Size 10.  Unfortunately they were that big in 7th grade when I was under 5 feet tall.

33.  I read the book Roots in 6th grade.  I loved Madeline L'Engle.  I read all the Nancy Drew books.  Book fair day was better than Christmas Day!

34. I love Spring and Fall the best.  Summer is close.  I despise Winter.  If I could have my way, I'd live in FL or somewhere where it is warm year round.

35.  When I was very young, I would tell everyone I wanted to be a marine biologist and live near the ocean. That never happened, but I am still deeply in love with the ocean.  If I could have my way, that somewhere warm would have an ocean as well within a mile.  Key West, FL would fit the bill.

36.  My brother and I have always been competitive.  Somewhere along the way our relationship has been horribly fractured, and I doubt if we'll ever be friends again.  This is sad, but it's the path he is comfortable with.  I am a family girl; he is not a family guy.  He's still not met his nephew.  Competitiveness definitely has its down side.  In fact most of the time I view it as a negative trait though it's a trait that makes a lot of people excel.

37.  I don't like fake plants.  My husband does.  There's a pile of them in the floor of the living room right now that are going to Goodwill.

38.  I think I'm a packrat in denial.  I'm constantly keeping stuff and moving it from place to place.  It takes me awhile to get rid of things, but I'm working on that.

39.  I never realized how much my parents loved me until I had my son.

40.  I really want to write a book before I kick the bucket.

41.  I love crab legs.

42.  I have an awareness of the present and how precious it is, but many times I will cry for no reason when thinking of reminiscing in the future about my present today.  For example, it really bothers me right now that my parents are in their fifties.  It bothers me to think that the lifespan of a human is around seventy years or so, and that my parents have about twenty years left.  I have been alive for 35 years.  My time with them is well over half finished.  This goes on and on.  I do this with my spouse, my dogs, my son, and anything.  I am always aware that this moment in time will soon be added to the big pile of memories in my brain.  And that although it may not seem to be the best time in my life (any time actually) later I always treasure the time more.  I need to enjoy TODAY more and stop this line of thinking.

43.  I absolutely love taking pictures.

44.  I'd rather take a bug outside rather than kill it.

45.  I have a bad habit of not looking at prices prior to buying something.  I'm married to someone that clips coupons.

46.  I used to want to skydive before I died.  Then, I grew up and got scared.

47.  My first plane ride was at the age of 29.  I always drove wherever... even if it meant to Denver, CO to ski, to Virginia Beach, VA to see a friend, etc...  I used to really put the miles on a car.

48.  One time on a blind date, I got nervous and left.  In the middle of the movie.  He scared me for some odd reason.

49.  I like to grow roses.  I love yard work.

50.  I used to not believe in soulmates until I met Jeff.

51.  I've never voted for a Democrat in the Presidential election.  I've now lost 3 times.  Clinton, Clinton, and Obama.

52.  Quality Time is my love language, too.

53.  I don't believe in astrology.

54.  I love Harry Potter.

55.  I'm not a big movie fan at all.  I'm married to someone who loves movies!

56.  One of my favorite books is by Ayn Rand - The Fountainhead.

57.  I have spent way too much money on iTunes.  As of now, I have 3057 songs.  Ridiculous.

58.  I have an obsession with clean floors.

59.  I procrastinate too much.

60.  I'm shy at first.  Some may interpret this as snobby.  I'm not snobby at all.

61.  I love sumatra coffee from Starbucks.

62.  If I have to order a specialty coffee it would be a grande nonfat decaf caramel macchiato.

63.  I really love to be around positive half glass full empty person rather than a negative half glass empty person.  It really drains me to be around negativity.

64.  I think that hand sanitizers and the misuse of antibiotics along with antimicrobial products are contributing to "super bugs."  It's pretty scary to see vancomycin resistant anything.

65.  I'm on the fence about global warming.

66.  I love being a mommy.

67.  I really want to learn to scuba dive.

68.  Internet shopping is so much better than going to the mall.

69.  I like video games.

70.  I really like to sit and think about the meaning of life, why we are here, and what the future holds.  I'm an intuitive person and my head are in the clouds.

71.  When I'm around kids it reminds me of being a kid again.  I've never felt comfortable as an adult.  I used to cry on every birthday because I knew I was getting older and didn't want to.

72.  I prefer to wear the same pair of jeans three times before washing them.  They really start to break in at that point!

73.  I love to swim.  The perfect home would have a swimming pool in the backyard.

74.  I love to go to church but have a hard time there because it seems like it's very difficult to get to know members of a church.  We no longer have Wednesday night services in the city.  I can be at my church every Sunday and still feel very lonely.  This really bothers me.

75.  I miss handwritten letters.  Emails and text messaging have lost their charm.

76.  I really like the book "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken.

77.  I love to bake and make anything sweet.  I'm not much of a cook for dinner.

78.  I really like 8-9 hours for sleep.  I like a really long shower.

79.  I was saved when I was 10 years old.  It was a very real experience that I treasure.

80.  I once did an impression of Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire" on the piano in front of my entire high school back in 1990.  I cannot believe I did that.

81.  I was voted Most Studious.  I never studied.

82.  I am quick to categorize a person.  I really need to slow down and give people more of a chance.

83.  I love to debate issues.  Sometimes it's not a good thing.

84.  I have a hard time napping during the day.

85.  My middle name was Nicole.  Now it is Butler.

86.  I have been on the internet since 1989.

87.  I enjoy being a geek.  100% truly.

88.  My major in college was Chemistry.  My minor was biology.

89.  I will listen to a song over and over again.

90.  I've never had a tattoo because I imagine myself at 60 years old with one and how it would look at that age.  It keeps me away from the tattoo shop.

91.  I am super analytical.

92.  I am super impatient and stubborn.

93.  I can spell very well.  Sometimes I don't pronounce things so well.

94.  I learn better visually than I do audibly.

95.  I used to drive a 1967 Mustang 2+2 fastback.  I loved that car.

96.  I skim read much to my detriment.

97.  I have a birthmark on my inner left arm that most people mistaken for a burn.

98.  Autumn used to be my favorite season.  Now it is spring.  I used to like Spring less because I had severe seasonal allergies.  Thankfully, I have grown out of them in the past 30 years.

99.  I can iron, but I don't like to.

100.  I can type 100 words a minute.

just some random questions

How do you handle stress?

I handle stress by either praying or running or both at the same time.  Since I haven't been able to run lately just because of the dynamics of a baby and nursing, stress has been creeping into my life more than I would like it to.  I'm recommitting myself to start fast walking/jogging again to see if it helps.  I also talk about the stress with others, but sometimes I do feel as though that would be considered complaining.  I don't mean to complain... I just tend to work things out outloud rather than inside.

What have been the greatest successes in your life?

I would have to say first and foremost becoming a mother and wife contributing to our family.  It's a role that I still work on daily, but to think that a human being is now solely depending on Jeff and me is astounding.  It really makes me reevaluate everything I do and say.  I understand more about my own parents as well.  Secondly, I would have to say my education.  It has enabled me to work 30 hours a week but yet still make a great salary.  I give God all the glory for both of these successes.  I certainly had help.  I have to add running a couple of marathons was a huge achievement.

What do you think contributed to that success?

I would have to say that the prayers of my parents and God helped contribute to success in my life.  If you know me at all, it's easy to notice that it's hard for me to stay "on task."  I'm very tangential.  I definitely had help achieving both!

What did you learn from the greatest failure of your life?

My greatest failure in life would be my divorce.  I learned that marriage takes a lot of work from both sides.  I also learned that the things I thought were important in a relationship are not as important as just plain kindness, respect, love, admiration, and wanting to grow old together.

What would you do differently if you could start over?

I am a firm believer that the path you take in life has it's purpose.  I believe that especially if you have a relationship with Jesus that He will order your steps; however, we can take a side path but many times God will use that side path to work something wonderful in your life.  He will take what was meant to destroy you and use it for good.  I also realize that the path I took led me to where I am today.  I cannot think of another path that would have taken me to this very place in my life.

What kind of books do you read?

I read a lot of different kinds of books.  I love C.S. Lewis.  I love JRR Tolkien.  I read the Bible.  Sometimes I read self help books because they are so interesting.  I enjoy science fiction.  I enjoy Ayn Rand.  Reading really sharpens your brain.  I USED to read a lot more than I do now!

How do you manage your time?

Not good at that.

What have been the greatest lessons you’ve learned?

What was meant to destroy me has made me stronger.
There is a reason for everything.  God is in control.
I'm very blessed and grateful for what I have in my life.  I couldn't ask for more.
I've learned that my parents really love me.  Especially after having my own son.
I've learned to become more detailed, though it's not my nature.

What have been the greatest surprises in your life?

Time really does move fast.  You should really make the most of every single day.  Soon it will be a memory.

just stuff

It's that time of year again when I begin scouring the house from top to bottom looking for things to take to Goodwill or to pawn on ebay.  This fall's theme seems to be:  "Getting Rid of the Fake Plants."  My husband is apparently a big fan of donning most things with fake plants.  I think the only purpose of a fake plant is to collect dust.  I'd much rather have the real thing although he'd tell you some of my plants over the years have been a real pain.  Basically water can leak from a plant and drip on things.  Hubby doesn't like that too much!  

I decided it was time to move the lemon tree out of the kitchen area and onto the deck.  It's the first move.  I'm predicting Goodwill will be getting this ornamental tree this week.  One step at a time.

Lucas loves his bathtime so much.  I thought I'd share some really cool photos I took while his Nana gave him a bath.  He loves his Nana, too.  Now if only I could get him to sleep through the night.  I'm really starting to permanently look tired and sleep deprived.  It's totally worth it all, but it is amazing how different I look today than I did a year ago.  I suppose pregnancy, childbirth, and caring for an infant is definitely hard work!  I cannot believe I ever thought a stay-at-home mom has it made.  It's just as hard if not harder.  I guess a work-at-home mom like me has it the same.  The best and worst of both worlds.

what matters?

We're only on this earth for a short time, a flicker in time, and then we are gone.  I am reminded of this especially when someone passes away.  I realize that my own life is but a vapor.  This earth will continue ... there will be new celebrities to obsess over (is it worth the time?), new discoveries and cures, and new issues (war, etc...).  What is important today may not be in the next generation.  When I look into the eyes of my son, I wonder what he will be like and what his world will be like?  I wonder if I will be around to meet his children?  Either way, it is our responsibility as parents to pass on to them what we believe and what matters most.

1.  Life is worthless without love.  In other words, relationships is what life is all about.  Cultivate them and cherish them for they are what life is made of.

2.  Love is forever.  Love leaves a legacy. Mother Teresa said, “It’s not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters.”

3.  We will be judged on love.  What did we do for others? 

just about a year ago...

My emotions calmed a bit seeing this little image on the screen and the importance of making it past 8 weeks (I miscarried at 8 weeks with twins just six months earlier) just a little over a year ago.  There he was.  Of course we didn't know he was a he, but nonetheless fell in love immediately.  Jeff had cracked the ice (rather the fear) with a joke as he entered the room a little after I had settled onto the table, "Hello, Ms. L," and picked up the wand.  It was classic and the fear vanished.  He always has a knack for making me smile when I need it the most.  Not to omit all the prayers I had prayed waiting on this image to appear.

And now he is here.  It seems that a lifetime has passed since I was in that place of no children and waiting.  Then the second pregnancy and trusting in God to let this one make it.  I think God blessed us with a very sweet little man, and it was worth it all.

the art of the napping baby, etc...

It is getting easier and easier to get L to take a nap during the day.  He has this uncanny nack of going to bed in the evening very well, but the daytime?  Forget it!  I think a lot of it has to do with the light in the room, TV in the den, etc...  Too much external stimulation.  Thanks to my friends I met in our labor class, things have improved.  Happy baby equals happy mommy for sure!  He is sleeping now taking his first nap of the day.  Fingers crossed it will last more than 30 minutes!

..

I finally did it.  I dug up the tree in the backyard yesterday after trying my best to help it survive.  The story goes like this...  I bought this red coral japanese maple to plant during a time in my life when I was struggling with fertility.  I really wasn't struggling in the broad sense of the medical definition, but I was struggling in my own way with my own timeline... which if you know me, I have very little patience (unfortunately).

I found this sweet tree and planted it to sort of mark a time in my life to remember.

The freeze in April 2007 really took a toll on the tree.  Half of it died, and it continued to struggle.  I finally gave up.  Even though it represented that time in my life and after that the miscarriage, I still thought it was time to let it go.

This is prior to digging it up.  I'm going to have to find another pretty tree that is a little hardier.

thoughts

I am sure it began long ago, but yet it seems that even during my short life it has increased.  Things that were once taboo in the world when I was a child are now accepted and embraced on the cover of gossip magazines and other popular media.  California passes gay marriage.  Prayer is taken out of the public schools because we have to separate church and state.  Creationism is not taught.  Evolution is the mainstream.
..
I realized today with the help of another post that Christians are being persecuted here in America.  I know that they are in other countries and that we are still very lucky to be in the US, but it's starting to bother me about pop culture's view of Christians like me.

With Palin now running as VP it's becoming more evident about the media's belittlement of her religion and beliefs.  Saturday Night Live poked fun at her with mentioning Palin believed that dinosaurs and men walked on the earth at the same time (literal creationism).  On my Facebook under iLike (music) there are blog posts by the musician Moby.  I've never been a fan (and never will be) of his music (he's not very original), but his posts lately have been anti-Palin in nature.  Someone else sent me a link to a video of Sandra Bernhard basically downing Christianity.  Can you imagine if it had been a Christian downing a Muslim?  Within Evangelical Christians there are subsets of beliefs, etc... and apparently the charismatic Christian is even more persecuted, made fun of, and belittled.  Hubby and I were watching TV the other night and the spiritual aspect (the charismatic movement) of Palin's faith was brought up in a negative light.  Her speech made in her church was analyzed and found to be wrong because she asked the church to pray for the soldiers in the war and her statement about "God's Will."

Now Palin's personal yahoo email account was hacked by the son of a democratic Tennessee state representative, Dave Kernell son of Mike Kernell.  Instead of the media reporting this, not much has been said.  Can you imagine the fury of a republican state representative's son doing the same to Biden's email?  Instead the fury is that Palin used yahoo for personal email and conducted some business on yahoo - a nonsecure site.  The focus is what Palin did wrong rather than hacking.  What?  If it had been an FBI site, imagine the fury!  It's just this young guy.

Kernell claims in the message that the motivation for the attack was to see if rumours that Palin had used her personal email account for business, which is not allowed under US law, were true. He claims that after reading every email in the account that this was not the case.

Kernell used a proxy to protect his identity when accessing the account, but the FBI began an investigation to find the perpetrator and had requested the proxy service to hand over its logs.

Oh, OK. He wanted to see if Palin had used her personal email for business? He wanted to see if she was breaking the law by breaking the law himself. I hope he gets punished, but I bet nothing more will be said.

I know I'm in the Bible Belt, but I've always felt a part of the mainstream.  I don't feel that way anymore.  I feel more vulnerable than ever, and I need to delve further into apologetics and standing up for what I believe... no matter how unpopular.

gosselins

I'm a TLC junkie.  From A Baby Story to Bringing Home Baby to Little People Big World to Jon and Kate Plus 8.   I have to say that Jon and Kate are my least favorite show.  I was intrigued early on at the prospect of a family having two sets of multiples, but now I usually shudder when I watch the show.  Most of the time I change the channel.  Kate, as a wife, is too negative for me.  It's almost like she belittles and degrades Jon at times and seems to constantly be in a bad mood.  I certainly wouldn't want to live my life in the mood she is in!

There is a blog about the show called Gosselins Without Pity that is rather insightful at times.  Notice there are never any grandparents visiting the brood?  This website goes on to discuss how Jon and Kate exploit their children with 40 something episodes this year alone, etc...

Honestly, I can't watch it only because of Kate's negativity.  I just don't understand how a reproductive endocrinologist can recommend proceeding with an injectable cycle with IUI with Kate obviously releasing more than one egg!  Irresponsible.

do we think anymore?

Over time, I've come to realize the power of Google. Not only have we streamlined our searches from days in a library into seconds with a few keystrokes, we've forgotten how to think. I'll be the first to admit that I "google" things on a regular basis. When I'm at work and a doctor writes an infusion order strangely, I can type in what I think he has spelled and Google will even tell me, "Did you mean Vecuronium?" Yes! That's what I meant! (or rather the MD meant!)

I use it for a people search (in lieu of white pages). Go ahead and try it! Type in your first and last name and the city and state... odds are you will pop up along with a phone number. Scary if you have a stalker!

I use it for lyrics to songs. Let's say I want to find out the lyrics to a Patti Griffin song. All you have to do is type in the name of the song and the word lyrics beside it. It's never failed me yet.

How many times have I skipped reading the neighborhood book club book to read a brief synopsis online through Google?

The list goes on and on...

I'm beginning to think and research in short bursts. I miss research I think. It was more fun back then.